


Soul Secret

by arsenicarose



Category: Kylo Ren-Fandom, Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alcohol, Cunnilingus, Developing Relationship, Explicit Sex, F/M, Force Use, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Intense Orgasm, Kylo is a little OOC, Light Stalking, Multiple Orgasms, Multiple Sex Positions, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Rough Sex, Secret Relationship, Sex Using the Force, Unhealthy Relationships, but he is trying to be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-08 08:36:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 24,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13454499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arsenicarose/pseuds/arsenicarose
Summary: D'marya wants to fuck away her troubles. Instead, she meets a nameless, mysterious man who brings far more troubles into her life.(Basically, this whole fic is based on the idea that very few people have seen Kylo Ren with his mask off. He takes it off to become anonymous, and then he meets this girl.)(A/N: This is now completed! I hope you enjoy it! PS. There are no TLJ spoilers in this fic.)





	1. Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, this is the worst chapter of the fic, imo. Please, read past it. It gets better, I promise. :)

Dr. D’marya Ayelwae had a long week working in the medical unit, trying to save lives. People died all the time, but that week it had seemed particularly difficult. Many stormtroopers had died despite her best efforts. That major battle had been won, but the losses were incredible, and stormtroopers were always the first to go.

Most other people, medical staff included, thought of them as disposable. D’marya could not. She saw many of them for check-ups and minor injuries. She knew the ones who preferred a live doctor and those who preferred the medical droid. She knew their designations.

There was no one to talk to about this, really. Niely, her assigned nurse, was sympathetic, but she was too steeped in the propaganda. No, this was something that D’marya would have to handle on her own.

She had the next day off, and she had worked hard all week. She came to the Order’s on-site cantina with two goals in mind: Get drunk and fuck someone beautiful.

She had done this before, when work became difficult or she felt lonely, and she always went to the cantina on the opposite side of the base. She wouldn’t want to see any of the people she worked with. Niely knew what she was doing, but seeing it would be different.

Luckily, the people she treated most often were stormtroopers, and they weren’t really the type to go to a cantina and get drunk. They didn’t participate in the relaxation culture that the other employees did. That was scrubbed from their brains by the time they interacted with the general population.

She sat alone, nursing her drink, thinking about who she could sleep with tonight. Her first goal was well underway. She was ice deep in her fourth drink (with a fifth drink ready to go), and a calmness had seeped through her. She knew it wasn’t the best coping mechanism, but what else was she to do? Talking about the issue could put her under scrutiny. Stormtroopers weren’t people. Otherwise, they would have names.

Fucking someone probably wasn’t the best coping mechanism either. She had never been in a long term relationship, and that left her wanting. That, however, was a problem for a different time. 

As she was pondering that of her plan, he came to stand across from her. It was like she had a “down to fuck” beacon on her head, and he had heeded her call. She didn’t mind, though.

“Hello,” he said in a deep baritone, “May I sit with you?”

His voice sent a shiver up her spine. “Of course you can,” she replied, looking up.

He was definitely beautiful. Maybe she was drunk, but he had gorgeous, black hair, big brown eyes, long nose, and a spray of moles across his face. He had a unique look, but she liked it. She liked his slightly odd face and strangely muscular build. Yes, he would do nicely.

He was smiling as she looked at him, like he had heard a joke. It was a small smile, like he hadn’t meant to. “What’s your name?”

“D’marya. But you can call me Dema.”

“Wouldn’t D’marya be a shortened version of your name already, since you are Chiss?”

She laughed. “Yes, of course, but for some people, it is still too long or confusing. Humans aren’t used to Chiss names.”

He seemed to ponder her words deeply, carefully, as if he could do something about it. “I will call you D’marya, if that’s alright?”

“Of course,” she replied, feeling touched for a reason she didn’t understand, “What’s your name?”

He froze at that. His entire body became rigid with tension, like he might snap. “I can’t tell you that.”

She was immediately intrigued. Who was this guy? “I don’t really have to know,” she placated, “I was just curious.” That was true at least. She didn’t have to know, for tonight.

He visibly relaxed at that, and a genial smile spread across his face. “That would probably be for the best. I work on a… secret project. I’m not meant to be socializing. I’m not even allowed to be here, but everyone needs a night off.”

“I completely understand,” she said to the ice in her drink.

“How was your week?” he asked, with legitimate concern.

She felt like he could see what was wrong, like it was painted on her forehead, but that was probably just the alcohol talking. He did have a magnetic intensity that was drawing her in. Alarm bells were ringing thunderously in her head, but, then again, she had always had a penchant for dangerous men. Somehow, she didn’t think he would hurt her, at least, not tonight. Tonight was all that mattered.

“Well… It was rough. A lot of good people died this week, and I couldn’t help them. A large group of soldiers was brought to me too slow. The closest medical bay was full, so they were transferred to me, but the transfer was inefficient and a bit careless. Still… I should have been able to save them.”

“Oh, that’s terrible,” he murmured comfortingly, “Who?”

She paused. This wasn’t something she could share lightly, but it felt like he already knew. “I didn’t know all their… designations,” she admitted, afraid to look up, “But there was a stormtrooper who was particularly kind to me, when I had treated him before... They get injured often, you see. AN-4528, he was a good guy…”

The man before her rolled this over in his mind. She could feel the interrogation unit coming for her. Why had she said that?

“Aren’t stormtroopers usually lacking in... individuality?” he asked, attempting to speak with some tact.

D’marya wasn’t easily offended. She worked as a doctor, after all, and there is nothing like getting sworn at while treating a nasty wound. “Usually, but sometimes a piece will sneak through. They’re all completely loyal to the First Order, but some of them like to make jokes and some of them like to learn the healing techniques I use. I guess… It is just difficult to know someone’s likes and dislikes, they’re accommodations and treatment requests, only for them to die in front of you.”

“So you came here to forget?”

She sighed, and tried to pull the dregs from the ice. “Maybe. But I also came here to live, on their behalf. I work so hard, that I rarely get any fun time for myself. So I came here to get drunk and get fucked.” Her hand flew to her mouth. Okay, she was definitely drunk. She could feel the blush rising in her cheeks. Why had she said that? Oh well. It had been said.

His eyes widened slightly, but other than that he didn’t react. “I’m surprised you said that out loud.”

She shrugged, “Well, I’ve said it. It’s my real goal, anyway.”

“People don’t usually say what they are thinking.” He leaned in, concentrating on her face intently.

“Cryptic,” she teased, “Can you hear what I am thinking?”

“No, of course not,” he said, immediately retreating, “but that is what you were thinking.”

“Well, I guess I get to be blunt, as a doctor. I have to cut through all the bullshit and figure out what’s going on.” She paused for a moment. “Speaking of bluntness,” she murmured, eyes on her drink, “I was wondering if you wanted to come back to my place?”

He said nothing for a long time. Long enough that she peeked at his expression, to see him shocked. Meeting her eyes seemed to restart his brain, and he settled carefully. 

Watching his movements was an enigma. He seemed like a quiet person, but something told her that wasn’t true. He was holding himself back, under rigid control, trying to be something he was not. It was slipping through, however, she could see hints of it.

After a ponderous pause, he finally said, “What?”

Did he not realize how gorgeous he was? He started blushing before she spoke. “I consider you to be beautiful, and I want to fuck someone beautiful tonight. I would be honored if you followed me back to my room.”

“I can’t tell you my name,” he whispers.

She shrugged. “That’s fine with me. Names aren’t important for one-night stands.”

He smiled. “That’s a good point…” His drink was gone in seconds, maintaining eye contact the entire time, like a power move. She downed her fifth drink as well, keeping eye contact. She had gotten something strong, like she always did, and she wasn’t intimidated by him drinking alcohol quickly.

He laughed and left the empty glass on the table next to hers.

“What?” she asked.

“Nothing, nothing. I just like your spirit.”

“Well, I think you'll like me more when you see me naked,” she replied, grinning.


	2. Fucking

Her hand found his, and she dragged him from the cantina towards her place. “I’m assuming we can’t go to yours?”

“No, we can’t.”

He was having trouble keeping pace with her as she tugged him toward her bedroom. Images of what he might look like naked and what they could do flitted through her mind.

“Eager, are we?” His tone was somewhere between teasing and anxiety.

“Obviously!”

Her bedroom was simple. She was the head doctor, but that didn’t afford her much extravagance, and she wasn’t one to decorate either. There was a bed tucked against the wall, a small desk, and a tiny ensuite. The walls were grey and barren. Everything was uniform. It didn’t look like anyone even lived in there. For the first time, she worried what he would think, but he was distracted.

He wrapped his arm around her waist from behind and kissed the back of her neck. The trail of kisses continued down to and across her shoulders. Her mind become foggy with desire, and she turned to face him.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked, kissing her forehead, “We can wait until later.”

“I am sure. I made my decision before I got off work. You are free to-”

He cut her off with an intense kiss. She forgot how to breath for a second, as his lips pressed into hers. One hand found its way into his dark hair, the other trailed down the of the black shirt he was wearing. When she found the hem, she tugged it at it impatiently. He ripped it off, and his lips found hers again.

Her fingers trailed his chest. He was much stronger than she had thought he would be. The long sleeve shirt had hidden his dense musculature from her curious hands. His muscles felt real. The kind of muscles that were for use, not for show.

She broke away from his lips and kissed down his neck, to his collarbone, across his pecs. She slowly sank to her knees in front of him, kissing down his torso. As she reached his belly button, she tore at his pants until they fell to the floor. His cock was half hard already, and she kissed in through the cloth barrier of his underwear, eliciting a delicious groan from him.

He sank to the floor with her, and his cock slipped away from her lips. “Wait,” he said, “You are the one who needs to live life tonight, right?” He pulled off her top, and kissed across her chest, gently nipping on occasion.

She liked that, and she wanted more. His bites immediately became more frequent, and sometimes they had more edge.

He pulled her up to standing, and her pants were gone before she realized it. She thought about her body often: was it good enough? Was she attractive? Before this adonis of a man, she felt shy, suddenly, though she was still wearing her undergarments.

“You look beautiful,” he whispered, as he guided her to the bed.

She took off her bra and let it drop to the floor. For a moment, she wanted this to be more than a one-night stand. He didn’t fetishize her like most men did. The thought was quickly interrupted as his warm hands found her, and he caressed her breasts, rubbing his thumbs across her nipples.

She was sitting on the bed, and he was guiding her down, kissing her everywhere, until her body was flush. As her head hit the pillow, he aimed downward, until he was hovering over her panty-clad center.

“I want to do something to you, something I am very skilled at,” he murmured into her pelvic bone, his lips brushing against it.

“Yes, please!” She couldn’t believe her luck. She didn’t think he would be the type to go down on someone, but she was more than happy to receive.

His grin was prideful and libidinous as he kissed across the cloth, occasionally licking long stripes. She was squirming and wet already, desperate to feel his tongue between her folds.

He hooked his thumbs through the sides of her underwear and pulled it off, her hips lifting to help him. He didn’t wait to put his face between her legs. She had been right in this case: he wasn’t patient enough for teasing. Well, neither was she.

He was incredibly, deeply, and wonderfully skilled. Sensation coursed through her quickly, and soon she was writhing beneath him. She wished she had a name to call out for him, but she settled for the moans and gasps and cries that were already escaping her.

Her mind wandered a little. Who was this man between her legs? Why couldn’t he tell her his name? Why-?

Her thoughts were cut off by a sudden mounting pleasure. He had somehow found a spot that spread a fiery sensation through her whole body, taking her breath away. It climbed to insurmountable levels, and she felt herself becoming lightheaded. She couldn’t breathe...

The sensation calmed, and she sucked in a huge breath.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

After a few more deep breaths, she was able to reply. “I’m great. Oh fuck! I’m wonderous!” It was the truth. The pleasure had been worth the lack of air.

He smiled and dipped between her legs again. Pleasure chased itself across her entire body, but gentler this time. She could truly experience it. She felt like her whole body was an erogenous zone, and he was massaging it. He somehow was inside of her and outside at the same time. He was everywhere.

She had never been one to cum quickly, but she was already close. The bliss rose to meet her growing orgasm, and she was screaming with it. Exquisite euphoria ran up and down her body. She writhed at the sensation, bucking against his tongue.

It was the most extraordinary orgasm she had ever had. She saw stars dance in her vision, and she might have blacked out from it. The mystery man continued his intense ministrations through her peak, and beyond, until sensation became too much. She shuddered away from him, every movement causing aftershocks. He pulled himself from between her legs, and allowed her to come down in peace.

She did not know how long it took for her to become cognizant again, but she was glad she figured her way out of the mess her brain had become. When she found her eyes, he was standing at the edge of the bed, hesitant and fearful.

She held her arms open to him, and he slid into them eagerly. His hand stroked her hair, and they wrapped themselves around each other.

Her voice returned after some time, and she said, “Wow… Damn… I… That was amazing.”

He peered up at her, a fringe of hair covering his dark eyes. “Not too much?”

“Hell no! I’m greedy.” She kissed his forehead. “I always want too much. Like right now.”

He lifted himself completely from her breasts. “Hmm?”

She leaned down and kissed him. He kissed her back without any thought, and pressed his body against hers.  

“I want you inside me,” she said. She reached down and found his cock, rock hard.

The kiss became more intense as he maneuvered his length to her entrance. He pulled away for a moment, meeting her eyes to ask, “Are you sure you are ready?”

She nodded, and kissed him again. He slipped himself inside her, and she gasped into his lips as he filled her. He was slow in his first thrust, making sure there was room for him as he reached his base. Then, he fucked her.

He pounded her right into the bed, and the sensation returned, gentler this time. Sweeter and calmer. She could think and understand.

Their lips met, and he used his raw strength to draw her up off the bed, raising her body to meet his thrusts with one arm. The other, he used to steady himself on the bed.

As she splayed against his arm, he adjusted himself to a sitting position and pulled her into his lap. She didn’t have to do anything, as he used his strong core to fuck her from beneath. She spilled herself across his body, kissing and biting and licking everywhere she could reach.

Her body started tightening again, tightening around that pleasure chasing its way up and down her being. She was just thinking he must be made of magic when her second orgasm hit her. She collapsed against his broad chest, shaking softly with satisfaction and ecstasy.

He did not last much longer. His orgasm came with a grunt into her collarbone and a sticky sensation between her legs. She wrapped her arms around him, and pulled him close to her. She never wanted this to end.

As she came down, however, she tired quickly. The intensity of it all had drained her more than she realized, and she was fading fast.

He carefully pulled her off his softening cock, laying her on the bed. She was afraid he would leave her then, and she would be forced to face the afterglow alone, but he lay down with her. He wrapped his strong arms around her limp body and held her against the expanse of his chest.

“That was the best sex I have ever had,” she murmured, before passing out.

\---

She woke with a start some time later. A groggy hand slapped around to find her clock, before she realized she didn’t have to go to work.

The night came back to her all at once, and with it came the soreness. She felt like she had run a marathon and done weight training for hours, in a good way. She had been so sure it was a dream, but her whole body felt well fucked. She grinned to herself and stretched.

The bed was empty.

She sat up, muscles protesting the movement, and looked around. There was no sign that he had been here. His clothes were gone from the floor, and the whole room felt emptier than it ever had. She wrapped her arms around herself, feeling self-pity build.

She let herself fall back onto the bed, despairing, but she heard a crackling sound near her head. Her body rolled to the side where he had been, and she saw a piece of paper peeking out from where her usual tossing has sent it.

She grabbed the crumpled sheet, and saw a message for her written in a careful hand.

_ D’marya, _

_ I am so happy that enjoyed yourself. Last night was fantastic for me as well. I could watch you squirm beneath me for hours. I wish I could be here when you wake up, but duty calls. I would love to see you again sometime, but I don’t know when my schedule will allow it. Just know I am thinking of you. _

The note was unsigned, but it was hope. She felt like a foolish school girl, giggling to herself over a letter, but he had enchanted her.

She hugged the letter to her chest and drifted back off to sleep. Tomorrow was going to be a long day if she was still sore.


	3. Gossiping

Getting up for work, even with a day of rest in between, was difficult. She wanted to sleep for another week. The intensity of the experience had really exhausted her. She gave in and used a small medpec to alleviate the soreness in her muscles. Work would have been ridiculous enough without it.

Even with all the problems that had come with it, she wanted more. She wanted to see him again. If she relaxed into it, instead of bunching and coiling her muscles against the flow, she imagined it would be easier. Her body had been wound tight as a spring, before, during, and after.

After a hearty breakfast to promote muscle repair, she rolled into work. She was always five minutes early, but that day, she was only on time.

Niely noticed. “Hey, Dema… Are you doing alright?”

“I’m great!” D’marya said, as washed her hands, “I’ll tell you all about it later.” She finished sanitizing just as the first injured stormtrooper came in, and after that, it was a blur of healing.

During their lunch break (taken in the medbay office, in case of an emergency), D’marya finally spilled. She told Niely the general tale, minus the grisly details, and was sure to let her know about the high quality of the experience.

“Wow,” Niely murmured, clearly stunned, “And you met him on _ this _ ship? A  _ human _ male who is willing to fuck an alien, not fetishize them, AND get them off?” Niely was a green Twi’lek, another victim of the exoticism fetish humans tended to have. She and D’marya had spent many a night lamenting over the lost potential of humans meeting aliens.

“Yeah, it was honestly the best orgasm I’ve ever had. I don’t think I can go back to normal sex after whatever that was.”

“But you don’t even know his name. Doesn’t that make it hard to continue this?”

“Well, obviously. I’m at a loss, Ni. I know what he looks like, but I get the feeling that won’t help me. Maybe so few people know his face that it is more anonymous than his… mask? Hood? Helmet? I don’t know.”

Niely chewed thoughtfully. “Maybe he’s a stormtrooper?”

D’marya laughed. “That’s ridiculous! You know they are brainwashed on the reg. How would one get enough of a personality to do that?”

Niely turned to the door. “Commander Ren?!” Her face paled, but D’marya didn’t notice.

“Now you’re just messing with me. There is no way that Commander Ren would have gone to a skeevy cantina and picked  _ me  _ up.”

“No, Dema, look. Commander Ren is here!” Niely hissed.

“Oh  _ kriff _ !” D’marya flipped around and stood in a whirlwind of movement. How had she not noticed him there? How long had he been there? How much had he heard about…? Oh no.

D’marya hastily saluted to his tall, imposing figure, and said, “Hello, Commander Ren. I’m sorry that you had to see us like that. We were having our lunch break, Sir. My name is Dr. D’marya Ayelwae, head doctor for this medical bay and assistant medical droid engineer.”

“At ease, Doctor.” His voice was deep and electronic sounding, filtered through the modulator. She had always found it… hypnotic. Like she would do whatever he said…

She closed her eyes.  _ Ktah! Focus!  _ When she opened them again, she was calm, she was fine. She relaxed her stance. “Thank you, Sir.”

“That’s not a common reaction to my voice modulator,” he commented.

“I’m sorry…?”

“Most people are put off by it. They don’t find it ‘hypnotic.’”

_ Did I say that out loud?!  _ She thought, desperately frustrated.  _ No… Wait… OH! The big rumor about Commander Ren is… _

“Yes, I can hear your thoughts. Don’t worry. I see it all. I’m just intrigued by your response.”

She managed to look up. There were no eyes to make contact with from her end, but he could see her, right? “I, uh, I don't know what to tell you, Sir.”

“It's just… different. I don't use my power to make my voice alluring, so I'm curious as to what it could be. No matter. I came here for a reason.”

“Of course, Sir,” she said calmly, while her insides were a tornado of panic, “How can I help you?”

“I have been told by… a secret operative of mine, I believe you know who I am talking about, that you have run into difficulties treating your patients.”

Her mind spun out completely.  _ He had told Commander Ren? God, was it all an elaborate test? Is this the beginning of my interrogation? Am I going- _

“Don't worry, Doctor, he said you made some valid points. I was hoping to discuss them with you, help avoid such loss in the future.”

“Oh! Um, yes, of course, Sir. I would be happy to…”

“Did you know that your medbay has the lowest rate of mortality in the entire Order, Doctor?”

“No, I did not!” The day was going much differently she than expected.

“I want to hear what you have to say. Hux doesn’t do enough for those damn stormtroopers of his, and yet I am forced to rely on them at every turn. Their deaths are a drain and a waste.”

“Of course, Sir. Niely, please cover for me. If anything major happens, do not hesitate to interrupt.”

Commander Ren tilted his head slightly. D’marya wished more than anything she could see his face. She was so reliant on expression reading, she felt like she was flying into this conversation blind.

“Sorry, Commander, but I can’t shut out my patients, even to talk about them to a superior.”

He was silent for a few minutes. She couldn’t even hear him breathing. The only noise was the rhythmic squeezing of his gloved fist. His entire robed form was rigid. Alarms clanged in her mind, but not the fun ones, not the ones from her magical night.

“I truly am sorry, Sir,” she said, her voice noticeably frailer.

He relaxed by degrees, and finally, after too many silent seconds, replied, “It’s completely alright. I understand. Even I can’t monopolize a doctor’s time.” His voice was flat, betraying nothing. The voice modulator made the tone even more muted, until he sounded almost robotic. Was he a robot?

She shoved all those useless thoughts out of her mind. This was a chance to talk to one of the highest higher ups. She didn’t know if it would change anything, but she had to at least try. 

“May I speak freely, Sir?” She felt hesitant to ask that, after his earlier anger, but she would get nowhere without brutal honesty.

“Of course, Doctor. Please, do not be afraid.”

She was sure she misheard his tone It sounded like he was pleading in the last sentence, but that couldn’t be correct.

She pointed to the nicest chair in the break room (probably nothing compared to what he had), and sat across from it. “So, here’s what I’m thinking…”

Speaking to Commander Ren was an entirely new experience. The imminent fear of death didn’t pass until about half way through the conversation, but he really listened to what she was saying. He explained the reasons behind some problems and worked out solutions for the others. It felt very productive. More productive than she had ever been lodging complaints and requests into the void of upper management. How had the best sex she had ever had also given her the gift of The Commander’s ear?

Their conversation was interrupted after about an hour and a half. “So sorry, Doctor, The Supreme Leader has summoned me,” he said, voice tinged with frustration.

“Thank you so much for everything, Commander,” she said, trying to sound grateful and professional at the same time, “I really appreciate your help and support.”

He nodded once before swishing out the door in a cloud of black fabric.

Niely walked to D’marya from her post at the front desk. “Okay, what the hell was that?”

“Oh, Ni, I have no idea.”


	4. Naming

When D’marya got home at the end of the day,  _ he _ was waiting there for her. He was inside her room, sitting on the bed, reading one of her books.

She dropped work bag to the floor. She had been feeling a bit tense all day from her meeting with The Commander. (What did it mean? Why had he come? What would happen to her now?) She had  _ not _ expected a man to be sitting on the edge of her bed, and had  _ definitely _ not expected to ever see this man again.

“What are you doing here?” She asked, excited but bewildered.

“I wanted to see you again. I can’t communicate through… normal channels, so I came to talk in person. I’m sorry I scared you.”

She bent over and picked her things up off the floor, using that as a distraction. She should be alarmed that he was here, she knew it, but instead she was relieved. She felt a deep desire to fuck him again, but something weighed heavily on her mind. “If it’s a secret that we had sex, why talk to Commander Ren about me?”

He set the book down on the bed and looked at her curiously, tilting his head to the side. “You mean, you don’t…” He trailed off.

“I don’t what?” She started to put everything away, pretending like it was normal that this hot and strange man was in her room.

Suddenly, he was beside her. She jumped and almost fell over, but he caught with a graceful arm around her waist. His other hand caressed her cheek, and he stared deeply into her eyes. She felt something, but she couldn’t explain it. She was lost in thought. His face flickered through her mind, followed by her thoughts on Commander Ren. Why was she thinking about The Commander?

“You really don’t know… How is that possible?” he seemed relieved and frustrated at the same time.

She pulled away from him, feeling disconcerted. “What are you talking about?”

“I… I thought you would have figured out my, uh, name.”

“Well, you really don’t want me to know, and I feel like knowing might be a death sentence. I mind my business as best I can.”

“That’s good. That works perfectly.” He smiled and pulled her in for a kiss.

She couldn’t turn down his affection. She had no desire to, even after being initially startled by his presence. Some small part of her had hoped that she would see him again.

The kiss was just as intense as the first time, and she wrapped herself around him, wanting to be flush against his body. They started to strip as they kissed, making their way towards her bed. They were naked by the time they reached it.

As he lay her down, preparing to slide into her, desperation streaking his movements, she stopped him. His face became anguished, but he stopped, tearing himself away from her.

“Wait, I want to do this, but I need you to do one thing for me.” Her mind was chanting,  _ Tell me your name _ , over and over, but she pushed that aside. “If you are going to be in my room, and you can’t message me on my ‘pad, leave a note on the door. I just want to be prepared to find you here.”

“Oh, yeah, of course. I truly didn’t mean to scare you. I just… I wanted, no, _needed_ , to find you again.”

“Me too.” She drew him back into her body, and he accepted her invitation eagerly.

He slipped his cock into her straight away, more impatient this time than last. She was ready, though, and just as needy as he was. His cock filled her perfectly, and she reveled in it as he pushed in, down to the base.

He wrapped an arm around her waist, and lifted her from the bed, holding their combined weight with one arm that gripped the sheets. She allowed herself to relax, trusting his strength. He rewarded her with heavy, deep thrusts that found her g-spot. After several pumps, that whole body sensation of pleasure leaked through her, gentle and sweet. The intensity had been turned way down, making it much easier to handle.

He fucked her into the air, harder than she would have thought possible with the angle. She relaxed into the now-familiar sensation, letting it course through her body. He was urgent and wanting, and she had never felt more desired.

She finished with a calm finality. Nothing like those fireworks that had robbed her of thought and speech two nights ago, but still amazing. She could feel  _ everything _ . His thumb rubbing her back as he held her, his jerky thrusts as he got close to finishing, his hot breath on her naked chest, his skin touching her skin in so many wonderful places. For a moment, she felt the entire universe breathing.

He came moments after her, riding her through her orgasm. As he finished, he dropped her to the bed, adding one final thrust before he ejaculated deep inside her. His face was buried between her breasts, cock twitching. He slid himself out with his hips, and made himself comfortable.

She ran her fingers through his soft, dark hair absentmindedly. She was drowsy and ripe feeling, and the sensation of the soft strands was soothing.

It felt like he was falling asleep in her cleavage, so she allowed herself to drift off too. She knew she wouldn’t see him in the morning, but she was okay with that now.

\---

When she woke up, her hand was still in his hair. His arms were wrapped around her body loosely, his head pressed into her left breast. He was snoring softly, breath tickling her skin. Her body wasn’t sore, and she felt completely satisfied. It might have been the best morning she had ever had.

She didn’t want to wake him, so she lay there, unmoving, for some time. Her mind wandered, flipping between worry and ecstasy.

He roused himself later, tightening his grip on her and burying his face deeper into her chest. “Morning,” he said, muffled by skin.

“Good morning,” she replied, incredulous, “How are you still here?”

He turned his head and rest his chin on her sternum. “I thought you didn’t like it that I had left you alone last time?”

Had she said that to him? Had she indicated it? “Yes, but I thought it was just… part of this.”

“It doesn’t have to be. Not always. I wanted to stay with you last time, but I got called away.”

“By The Commander?”

“Kind of... Yes.”

She started petting his hair again, and he lay his head back down. Her thoughts were still a tizzy, so she had to ask, “Is Commander Ren okay with this? He isn’t going to, um, kill me? Like for distracting you, or whatever?”

A laugh exploded out of him, catching her off guard. He calmed himself quickly, but she could still see amusement playing across his features.

“No,” he said, “Don’t worry. Kylo Ren won’t have any problem with what we are doing. I promise.” He was trying to keep a straight face, but his lips were twitching with the effort.

“Don’t be a dick! This is serious!”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry.” He sighed. “Are you… afraid of Kylo Ren?”

“Of course I am! He is so intense and dangerous. But…”

“But?”

“But… He just seems kind of lonely. There is no one like him on board… I don’t know. When he isn’t terrifying, I kind of… He just seems like he needs a hug.”

He squeezed her tight for a moment. “Would you hug Kylo?”

“If he asked? I dunno. Maybe. I would just be worried that he would use the closeness to kill me.” She paused. “You know he came to my work the other day. Said you told him about my concerns with the medical processes?”

“I, uh… I didn’t tell him to check in. And Kylo wouldn’t kill you. You are… He doesn’t hurt… My interest in you protects you from him.”

“That doesn’t make me feel better!” She groaned. “What if something happens between us? If this not-relationship falls apart?”

He didn’t have an answer for that. He just lay, silently, on her chest. She waited for him to say something, anything, to alleviate all her fears, but it didn’t seem like he could.

After a pregnant pause, he said, “If you want to end things now, for your safety… I wouldn’t like it, but I would allow it.”

“We’re just fucking… Right? I mean, it should be fine, as long as we don’t catch feelings… Right?”

“Yeah… Of course...” He disentangled himself from her body, sat up on the bed, and closed his eyes for a moment. “Oh, damn, I’m being called in.” His reluctance was clear as he stood and started dressing.

She watched his form as he covered it, constantly impressed by his body. When would he come back to her?

“This… I… I probably won’t be back for a while,” he said, pulling his shirt over his biceps, “This is going to be a long mission, it seems. I’ll visit as soon as I can.”

She sat up fully, crossing her legs. What if this was the last time she saw him? She told herself it was the orgasms she would miss, but it was also the company. She didn’t have  _ feelings _ for him, per se, but she definitely enjoyed a consistent warm body.

“I hope your… mission goes well,” she replied. How would she ever find him again?

“D’marya…”

“Yes?”

“I can’t… There is so much I want to tell you, but…” His eyes searched the room, like he would find an answer in its barren walls. “I can’t tell you my real name.”

“I know.” How could she want this stranger in her life?

His brows pinched together in frustration. “You could call me… Soul.”

“Soul? A little presumptuous, don’t you think,” she teased, though her heart wasn’t in it.

“It’s the only part of me that I can allow you to know,” he murmured.

“Soul…” She rose from the bed and walked to him, purposefully. “It will be good to have something to call you.”

She wrapped her nude form around his, hugging him closely to her. He kissed her forehead, and embraced her back. With an extra tight squeeze, she let go, pausing to brush a kiss on his jaw.

He gently took her face in his hands and kissed her on the lips. “Goodbye, D’marya.” With those words, he let go, and turned to the door.

“Goodbye, Soul,” she said to his back as he left.


	5. Exhausting

After that, she was impossibly busy. Soldiers came in an endless stream, first from Pillio, then from GUHL-JO387O, then from Jakku. She barely had time eat, sleep, or think. Occasionally, her mind would wander with thoughts of Soul, hoping he was alright, wondering if he was thinking of her. She couldn’t dwell on these thoughts long; something would always happen, and then she would be needed. 

The medical droid broke down three times, adding to her already ridiculous workload. She was working extra-long days and sleeping in a side room during the night in case the droid broke again. Thankfully, they did have alternate shifts, else she might have been forced to use some of the hyper-adrenal stims they kept on hand.

Word came that the battle on Jakku was over. Kylo Ren had, apparently, ordered the stormtroopers to kill all the people in Tuanul. She felt less like giving him a hug after hearing that.

The last stormtroopers were brought in, then the bodies. That was the least favorite part of her job. She knew some of the deceased, and she prayed for them. Chiss didn’t pray, but they were human, and they couldn’t pray for themselves anymore.

After all the bodies were handled and everything closed up, she decided to go home. She hadn’t slept in her own bed in almost a week, and the heavy stream of wounded had died down to a dwindling trickle. She checked in with the night shift, to make sure it was alright with them, and they practically shoved her out the door.

She was fading fast as she meandered back to her room. The last time she had slept in there, someone had woken her in the middle of the night because of the medical droid. She hadn’t slept the night through since.

When she reached the door, her brain didn’t register the note. She was so mind-numbingly tired that she wasn’t paying attention to any new details around her. At this point, a rebel could have a gun pointed at her head, and she would be none the wiser. She opened the door, and there he was.

“D’marya! Good to see you! My mission was sort of successful! Let's celebrate!” he said, jumping off the bed.

Adrenaline pumped through her as she panicked. She was pretty gross. How could he be here when she was like this? She had taken a decontamination shower before she left the medbay, but she smelled like disinfectant and chemicals, her hair was a mess, and her dark circles were bigger than her eyes.

She tried to pull herself together, but she was having trouble standing as is. “You?”

“Yes…” In two strides, Soul was in front of her. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” she lied. Her arms wrapped around him, so she could hide her face, and she lay her head on his chest. It was super comfortable, more comfortable than anything she had ever lay down on before. A hum of approval escaped her.

“No, you're not,” he replied, clearly irritated, “You are deliriously tired.”

She found herself removed from his chest. He held her away at arm's length, eyeing her face.

“Why did you lie?” he asked, “You never lie to me.” He seemed genuinely annoyed by her lie, though it was a small one.

Her head drooped to the side. “Oh,  _ ktah _ ! I don't want you to leave, but you're right. I'm exhausted, Soul.”

Her mind sprinted through her last week of working: the exhausting labor, the excessive hours, the lack of peace. She was too tired to put it to words.

“Of course you're tired. The battles… I didn't think about it.” He started to take off her clothes, as he gently guided her to the bed.

She misunderstood his intentions, and started to help him strip, kissing his collarbone as she revealed it. The bed hit her calves, and she collapsed onto it, dragging him with her. Her eager kisses painted his chest with wet lines, but he didn't kiss her back. Instead, he lay her down gently.

“Wha…?” she groaned, fighting to stay conscious.

“Go to sleep,” he murmured. There was power to those words, she couldn't fight it.

_ No, can't sleep. He's here! Wake up! How often do you get to see him?! _

She was losing the battle. Her eyelids were so heavy, and even her attempts at movement only brought a calming sibilance from the sheets.

_ I don't want him to go…  _ she thought, still desperately working to keep her eyes open.

She could not do it.

\---

D’marya woke slowly. She was groggy and sore. Her body was deeply unhappy with her; she had pushed it too hard.

It was very likely that she didn't have work today, but she had to check her 'pad to verify. Where had she left it?

She slapped around her nightstand trying to find it, but it wasn't there. Her opposite arm hit tried to hit the bed, but she smacked a body instead.

A low groan escaped the body beside her, and she gasped in response, shooting up to see who it was.

Soul rolled toward her, “What was that for?!” he growled.

“Oh,  _ kriff _ ! Soul! I'm so sorry! Are you okay? What are you doing here?!”

“I know you like it when I spend the night with you, so I thought I'd stay.” He paused, examining her bewildered expression. “Why do you think I won't be here in the morning? I stay whenever I can,” he snapped.

He seemed genuinely frustrated. Why was he so mad? Besides, they had only spent 3 nights together, and so far he had only stayed for two. How was she supposed to make a pattern? Why would he stay the night for her anyway?

“I'm sorry I hit you, it was an accident. I didn't know you were here.” She paused, not wanting to answer the other part. “And… we didn't have sex last night, so I thought you would leave.”

He sighed. “It doesn't bother me that you hit me… or, rather I'm more mad that you think I don't enjoy your company as well as the sex.”

How did he know her fears? How did he always know? She didn't know what to say, and she couldn't look at him. She was so confused. Who was he?

He sighed again, lighter, gentler than before. “Where did you learn to swear like that? I thought Chiss didn't swear.”

“From the 'troopers…” she replied, automatically, “You'd be amazed what words come out when you are stitching a wound or resetting a bone.”

“Hey, D’marya, look at me.”

She hesitated for a moment, but turn to meet his heavy gaze. His features were soft, and held nothing of his earlier tone. She was weak to his face. How was she already weak to his face?

“I like spending time with you. Having a body… a person to sleep next to is nice. Waking up next to you is… It’s just good to not be alone all the time.”

She tried to think of an emotionless, appropriate reply, but instead the words just slipped out. “I feel the same way.” Was she catching feelings for this man? This strange, slightly scary, man whose name she wasn’t allowed to know? She felt like an idiot.

He slid over to her, wrapping his arms around her waist and cuddling with her chemical-scented skin without a word. Her hand automatically started to pet his head. It felt so right to her. How? She didn’t know anything about him.

“You know more about me than you think you do, by the way,” he murmured into her stomach.

Before she could have a proper reaction, he pulled away. A stream of curse words poured out of his mouth as he hastily dressed himself.

“What’s is it? What’s wrong?”

“Have to do everything myself, they can’t get a single thing right, I swear without me they would…” he grumbled, “Sorry, I have to go. They can’t get any information out of the prisoner.”

The prisoner? Then she remembered: the battles, the mission, the village. “Did Commander Ren order the stormtroopers to kill everyone in Tuanul?”

His frantic efforts to leave ceased and a distant expression passed over his face. “Yes.”

“Why? Why didn’t you stop him? They were innocent people!”

“They weren’t innocent. They were rebels. We have to destroy them, eliminate the threat.” He turned to her, fury building. “I thought you supported The First Order.”

“I do, you know I do, but why did they have to die!”

“Why does it bother you so much?! They are the enemy! They killed our men, men you had to watch die!”

“I’m a doctor, Soul! I don’t want  _ anyone _ to die.”

“Some people have to die. It’s part of war. It’s part of our jobs,” he said, coldly, “I’ll see you when I can.”

With that, he stormed off. She sat in stunned silence, unable to comprehend what had just happened. She didn’t support the rebels, but she didn’t think innocents, non-soldiers, should be killed. She wanted them to surrender, to let themselves be ruled, so that people would stop dying on both sides. Now, she wasn’t sure that was The Order’s goal. Were they planning on killing  _ every  _ rebel?

One thing was certain, Soul had been spending too much time with The Commander.


	6. Releasing

After a moment of stunned silence, she finally found her ‘pad. The day was hers, thankfully. She didn’t think she could handle another day of work. Instead, she found some peace: a long hot shower, a change of sheets, a cleaned room, and no obligations. The only problem was that nagging feeling over Soul, a small irritation she couldn’t work from her mind. What was happening there?

The knock that came towards the end of the day was unexpected. She opened the door and found Soul. Did he knock each time, and simply break in when there was no reply? He couldn’t have known she was in there, right?

“D’marya, you’re here, good.” He seemed cold, distant.

“What’s wrong?”

He gritted his teeth in frustration and strode past her into her simple quarters. “The prisoner escaped with the help of a stormtrooper. I got the information I needed, but we can’t have traitors assisting the rebels. Especially from within our midst.” He looked at her pointedly.

“Is this about our discussion this morning? I told you, I am loyal to The First Order! I always have been. There has never been doubt in my mind. My family was a part of the Empire! I left my home planet behind to propagate the ideals of The First Order, our ideals!”

Heavy eyes bored into her, like he was looking for a lie. She stood fast under his scrutiny. She had nothing to fear, in this regard.

After several awkward, silent minutes, he finally relented and broke eye contact. “Sorry… I… The issue of loyalty has been a raw subject for me as of late. I can’t have you turning.”

“Why?”

Several emotions cross his face, too quickly for her to understand. Finally, his expression settled on one absent of any feeling, cold. “I need release. That’s what this about right? ‘Just fucking?’”

She didn’t like it when he said it. She didn’t like having her own words thrown back at her, but that was she had agreed on. For both their safety.

“Right,” she said, pushing it all down. She needed release too, so she closed the distance between them, and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him. He leaned down, took her face in hands, and kissed her with fervor.

Her robe fell to the floor, and he shed his clothes, dropping them where he stood. Their kiss became more intense, and their bodies pressed together, so that not even a hair could fit between them. It was amazing to her how essential this had become for her. His presence had become a huge part of her life in such a short time. She felt it when he wasn’t with him. She was growing accustomed to having him around, and she didn’t want it to change. That had made his earlier words sting so much more, but she couldn’t think about that now. She shoved all that aside and enjoyed the body in front of her.

He broke the kiss and gazed down at her face. “I… There is something I want to do tonight. I want to just do it, but if it is too much, I want you to stop me.”

“What is it…?” she asked.

“Just let me show you, please, trust me.”

She considered his request and gaze carefully. Did she trust him? “Okay, I trust you, at least for this.”

His lips found her neck, and he laid gentle kisses there, and down her collarbone. As he got to her breasts, the kisses became nips, skin catching in teeth. His rough hands ran down her body, caressing her form.

He turned her around and started to kiss across her back and down her shoulder blades. He walked her to the bed. Her shins hit it, and she stopped, but he kept guiding her. She fell forward, catching herself with her arms. On her hands and knees, she waited for him to tell her what was going on.

“That’s perfect,” he murmured.

She crawled forward on the bed, wiggling her hips. The guttural moan that escaped him encouraged her, and she dropped from her hands to her elbows, leaving her ass very much in the air.

The bed shifted as he climbed on it, chasing her tail. She didn’t know what to expect, and she had never felt so exposed, but she lay there, waiting.

His hands gripped her hips, and she figured he was going to start fucking her from behind. Instead, she felt his breath brush across her skin. He pressed his face between her folds and started licking. He pulled her into his waiting mouth and devoured her.

She moaned into the pillow, and he rewarded her with increased intensity. Pleasure like fire coursed through her veins, making it difficult to support herself.

A finger slid inside her and grazed her g-spot. She bucked against its efforts and threw her head back. A second finger slid in, stretching her slightly. She slid back into his touch, desperate to be filled, to be fucked.

The fingers slid out, and she whined.

“Don’t worry,” he grunted, shoving his cock into her in one go, “I won’t leave you wanting for long.” His hands gripped her hips, and he began thrusting with vigor.

His dick brought back the coursing pleasure. She soon was completely unable to hold herself up, and she buried her face in the pillow. One arm released her hips to wrap around her waist and pull her up. She gasped in a breath and thanked him in her mind. She couldn’t really speak. Her body was overcome with sensation.

She knew he was fucking his frustrations into her. This was something he could do right and do it well. She was happy to get fucked like this, to be wanted like this. Her body matched his in rhythm and their chorus of ecstasy filled the room.

He leaned over her body, until his face was by her ear. “You want me. You want to fuck  _ me _ , right?”

“Yes,” she moaned, “I want you.”

He thrust harder, driving with such force that, even with his arm supporting her, she found her face buried in the pillow.

He finished with one final, urgent motion, burying himself into her and collapsing on her back. He whispered something into her skin that she could not hear.

She thought that was it, but the pleasure kept coursing through her. He pulled out and replaced his cock with deft fingers. His face was still resting on her shoulders, and he left gentle kisses for her on her back.

“Oh, Soul!” she cried, “Yes! Yes!”

He was eager to please her, and she came. She loved the weight of him on top of her, the feeling of his skin on hers, the gentle hair the brushed her. He continued his ministrations through her orgasm, until she was a shaking puddle of bliss.

“Was that okay?” he asked, voice a shamed whisper.

“Yes. Definitely yes.”

“Would- Can I… hold you?”

“Of course.”

He rolled off of her to the sheets below, and she curled up in his arms, head on his chest.

“What are you going to do about the prisoner?” she asked.

“Hux has a team out looking for them. I don’t know how effective they will be, considering the circumstances of the escape, but they are trying.”

“What will you do?”

“My main objective, and whatever it takes to complete it.”

“I have faith in you,” she whispered.

He was silent for a while, and she worried it was too much, but after several moments, he said, “Thank you.”

It hit her suddenly: she could stay like this forever. She would be happy to be wrapped in his arms like this for the rest of her life. He was warm and soft, someone to keep her safe through the night. She knew nothing about him, but she wanted that nothingness in her life. She had already accepted this as her lot, being with a nameless man who left at odd hours. She was fine with it.

Soul shot up suddenly. “I have to go.”

She sat up slower and found him dressing quickly. “Why?”

He faced away from her, pulling on his pants with great focus. “Uh… Something went wrong. They need me.”

It was a lie. She knew it. He hadn’t been in her room long enough for something to have gone wrong. She couldn’t argue with him though. His job came first. “Of- Of course. Good luck…”

He finished dressing without looking at her, and she worried that he would leave her without a goodbye. He almost did. At the last second, he turned from the door and looked into her eyes. His face was conflicted, confused, and guilty.

“Goodbye, D’marya,” he said, tenderly. He kissed her, passionately, desperately. “I hope I can see you again soon." Then he was gone.


	7. Speculating

Emotionless, grey paneling at every turn. It felt apt with Kylo’s current mood. Dark, barren, cold. It was a waste of time to try to breathe life into those walls. Sure, you could burn them, scar them, bring a scalding fire to metal, but it wouldn’t stay warm. It couldn’t.

He was making a mistake. He had taken off important training time to be with some girl. He had left Hux alone with the mission that he himself was solely responsible for. Hux would fail, again, like he failed at everything else.

She was a distraction, nothing more. Though her eyes sparkled when he met them with his, and her smile was bright as a star, she was dragging him away from his true path.

When he met her that first night, he had been feeling lost and alone. Some foul part of him (a part he needed to kill) wanted to go home. Like he wasn’t already at home. Like his mother’s arms could ever be home again. It made him sick, and he wanted to bury those feelings.

She was so open to him, physically and mentally. Even if her thoughts weren’t clearly projected into his mind, her face was easy to read. Like how wonderful she thought he was. Like how happy she was to see him. Like how much she loved spending time with him. Like how sad she was when he left her…

But that didn't matter. He shouldn’t have been taking time to see her. He did it right the first time: fucking her to oblivion and leaving before she woke up. He thought that would be it, a good release, but she called to him. He found himself in her medbay quite on accident, but realized he was desperate to talk to her. He found himself in her bedroom again that night, and he couldn’t make himself leave.

He knew that he was lonely. Being at the top is meant to make you feel alone. Power is for one person to have; it was not meant to be shared.

Hux was not a help, conniving and whiny as he was. Kylo didn’t know how Hux had managed to get command of the troopers. Hux had never been in battle and wasn’t particularly good in combat. His most recent failings only cemented Kylo’s thoughts on him. Hux was useless.

Snoke was brutal, unapproachable, and cruel. If Kylo went to Snoke about this problem, the solution would be either kill her or make her fully his by force. Kylo liked that she wanted him of her own accord.

Except she didn’t. She wanted Soul. A perfect lie, a piece of him that he wasn’t. She was terrified of who he really was. He could see it. Whenever that part of himself came out, she shrank away. What would she do if she knew?

So, he had to end it. She was starting to feel things, and that would only make it harder. He had no feelings for her. He didn’t miss her when he couldn’t see her. He didn’t think about her constantly. He didn’t imagine ways to escape with her, be better for her, or tell her the truth. He didn’t imagine her smile. He didn’t relish in the pleasure they brought each other, that they could bring each other in the future. He didn’t think about her at all.

Or so he told himself.

She was a blight on his record. Already, Snoke could sense something, and Hux was wondering aloud about where he had been, where he was going. Few people knew his face, but he worried that he would be seen as he walked through the corridors plastered with lifeless, grey paneling that they would know.

He couldn’t stay locked in her warm embrace. He couldn’t relish her gentle breathing on his skin. He couldn’t stay hidden away in her room forever. He had to grow up, become the man, the leader, he was always meant to be.

But couldn’t he keep her? Couldn’t he have her just to himself? This charade had held itself together for this long. Why couldn’t he continue it, for just a bit longer? It was the only part of his life that made him happy, at least now. He had no one. 

Finding and killing his enemy would bring him some happiness, but the process was either tedious or infuriating. He was surrounded by worthless idiots who couldn’t do their job. It was usually up to him to clean up the mess left by those inferior to him.

When he had left her, he had lied. She had known, and she hadn’t stopped him. It was the right thing for her to do, but he wished she had told him to stay. He wanted to tell her everything, make her a true confidant, make her his.

There was an issue now, he knew, as he stalked through the ship. Someone was dreading the idea of telling him something bad. They would find him soon enough. Even when he lied about being needed, something always came up

\---

After his unfortunate exchange with Mitaka about another of Hux’s colossal failings, and a disturbing conversation with Snoke about the future, Kylo felt lost. He knew that he would have to find his way again.

But his beseeching conversation with his grandfather, the great and inspiring Darth Vader, left him wanting. Darth Vader didn’t answer him, and the fight of light and dark still raged inside him. He couldn’t stand being in his quarters alone, feeling torn apart. He knew of only one thing he could do. It made him feel weak to consider it, but he needed her. 

He ripped of his mask and changed into less obvious clothes. He felt much better in his disguise. Soul didn’t have the same troubles as Kylo did. He had refuge in D’marya’s tiny room, and no one would bother him there. No one jumped out of his way or hid their face from Soul. He didn’t feel the hate/fear combination that was an ever-present fog around Kylo Ren.

He couldn’t talk to her about his struggles, his eternal battle within, but he could be near her. He could press his face against her body and breathe her in. He could bury his feelings in her, and she would take them. (Or maybe he could just hold her in his arms and try to enjoy the lie for as long as it would last.)

He found himself in front of her door. She was sleeping inside, her dreams coming to him easily. She wanted him there. She imagined a life free of hiding and worry. They were together, happy. It touched in a way that made him want to scream. What she wanted was impossible.

As if he was projecting, her dream changed. They happy scenery darkened, and an evil presence seeped in. Kylo saw himself, in his mask, rip Soul and D’marya apart. She tried to stop the masked man from taking Soul away, but she was powerless to his mastery of The Force. The Kylo in her dream was going to kill her.

The Kylo in front of her door hesitated, hand only an inch from her door. How could this ever work if this is what she thought of him? Kylo Ren was who he was. He couldn’t change that.

But he couldn’t leave either. Her desperate fight in the dream to save Soul from Kylo touched him in a way he couldn’t explain. (Maybe, deep down, some part of him wanted to be saved. He could never admit it, and it would never happen, but it haunted him.)

He took a deep breath and steadied himself. He was selfish in all other parts of his life. Why not be selfish here too?

He knocked on the door.


	8. Confessing

“Commander, no!” she shouted as she woke from that horrid nightmare. The fear of it rushed through her, ripping sleep from her and dragging her into a panicked consciousness. Her sheets and blankets were a tangle about her body, and she gripped them close to her, as if they could protect her from Commander Ren.

She was sure the nightmare had woken her, until she heard a knock at her door. She remembered the knocking in her dreams, something had come, ready to save her, if only she gave it permission.

In the waking world, she couldn’t imagine who would be knocking on her door at this hour.

She slept naked, so she threw a robe on. “Who is it?”

Soul’s voice came through the door. “Who do you think?”

For a moment, she considered sending him away. She expected a certain amount of lying with the kind of relationship they had, but lying to leave? She pursed her lips in frustration, debating why she should even let him in. She had been sleeping. Restlessly, but still.

“Please, D’marya. I… I’m sorry.”

“ _ Kark _ !” she hissed under breath, as she opened the door.

Soul slipped into the room as if he were afraid she would change her mind. His tall form dwarfed her, and, for a split second, she realized that he could easily hurt her. She took a step away.

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you, emotionally or mentally. I just…” He ran his hand over his mouth, dragging his lips to his chin. “I don’t know what to do. I’m becoming… comfortable around you, and that’s dangerous. I don’t want to leave your side, even when I should. This was supposed to be without feelings, but I like your company.”

“Are you worried about Commander Ren?”

“No! He isn’t as dangerous as you think, D’marya. He won’t kill you. He won’t hurt you. He… he likes you.”

She crossed her arms over her chest and cocked her hip to the side. “Then why, pray tell, is this a problem? Why are you waking me up in the middle of the night? If he isn’t the problem, who is?”

Soul through his hands in the air, exasperated. “Kylo has people above him! I report to them, and they wouldn’t like me being… distracted in this way.”

She pursed her lips. This wasn’t a conversation to have in the middle of the night. She hated being woken up, and she didn’t have the mental capacity to deal with bullshit right now. “Then don’t let me be a distraction! You haven’t affected my work at all.”

His voice become soft, and the anger drained from his features. “What I am trying to say is I don’t care. I like having someone to come to after a long day. I want to be someone you can come home to as well.”

He knew just how to tug at her heartstrings. How did he always know what to say? She held fast to her anger, trying to not to give in like she desperately wanted to. “It’s hard to come home to someone if you don’t know where they live. This isn’t reliable. It wasn’t ever meant to be. I work weird hours and so do you. It doesn’t matter what either of us want.”

“You knew what I could and couldn’t do when we started this!” he snapped, spinning away from her to glare at the wall.

After several moments of silence, he said, “I know it isn’t ideal, but you are the closest thing I have found to a home. We haven’t known each other long, I know, but I don’t… There aren’t many people who would be willing to put up with all this. I’m…” He trailed off, unable to finish the thought.

She put a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Scared?” she offered.

His body tensed for a moment. “I shouldn’t be  _ scared. _ ” He didn’t deny it though.

“There aren’t a lot of people willing to date a head doctor either. It’s not as random as your job seems to be, but I can be kept in that medbay for weeks at a time. I understand.” She patted his shoulder twice and pulled her hand away.

He sighed. “I suppose you do, to an extent.”

“I don’t love you, Soul. I am nowhere near that. But I do care about you. If you can’t handle your feelings for me, if you are going to keep running, then we need to end this.”

He turned slowly, and his heavy eyes met with hers. “I don’t love you either, but I came here to tell you all this, to make it all known. What if I can handle it? Then… would you allow me to stay?”

His eyes said that he meant it. There was real fear there, and a rawness she had never seen. It made her want to believe. “Maybe. At least for tonight.”

He grasped her shoulders with a surprising tenderness. “Something big is coming soon, I can feel it. I don’t know if this thing we have made together will survive it, but I want to be here tonight. Let’s pretend tomorrow won’t come.”

Her resolve crumbled beneath his gentle fingers.

The sex they had that night was intense in a different way. It was unhurried and affectionate, with an unmistakable streak of compassion she couldn’t ignore. Every orgasm she had was slow to build and drawn out. Their skin was almost fused together, like he was afraid she would disappear beneath him. Her body was left flush with kisses, and rosy with lines that he wrote with soft fingers.

It felt like he was trying to show her this part of him, so she could keep it for herself. Or, he was storing this part of himself in her, so he could find it again. It was inexplicable, and a little unnerving. It felt like a goodbye.

When he finished, gasping her name with a desperate yearning, he curled himself around her. She felt safe and wanted all over again, but he didn’t shy away. He kissed her cheek bones, her forehead, and her nose and pulled her closer to his body. She breathed him in and studied his face. She wanted to remember him like this.

“I have to go away for a bit tomorrow. We tracked the information to Takodana, and I have to get it. I don’t know when I will be back,” he whispered.

“I wish you all the best of luck,” she murmured, resting her cheek on his chest.

“Thank you," he said, kissing the top of her head..

She fell into an easy, dreamless sleep soon after. When she woke up the next morning, he was gone.


	9. Discovering

When she opened her eyes, she could just feel it. The emptiness. The room was lacking. It reminded her of their first time. She felt like it had all been a dream again, and the note was there, by her head, just an apology.

_I’m sorry. Duty calls._

She couldn’t decide between feeling despondent or furious, so she chose to feel neither. He had told her of his important mission on Takodana; he must have just been called away in a rush. It would have been easier if the night before hadn’t been so sweet, if he had just fucked her into the bed as usual.

A mission meant work though, and sure enough, she had been requested to go in. Did he regret these quests, knowing what it meant for her workload? Did he think that far outside of what he wanted?

She didn’t think so.

Pushing all else aside, she went to work.

\---

No one came in that morning, the calm before the storm. She imagined most stormtroopers would have been called away to participate in the battles, so they wouldn’t be getting minor injuries on base. She and Niely got ready in silence, her thoughts on Soul distracting her from their usual banter.

Niely noticed. “Dema, what’s going on?”

D’marya had talked to Niely about Soul before, even revealing his “name”, but she hadn’t told Niely the dark parts. “It’s Soul… I don’t know what to do…”

“Can… Are you allowed to tell me?” Niely asked, eyeing the room with suspicion.

D’marya sighed. She probably shouldn’t reveal the secrets they had shared, but Niely was her best (and only) friend. She needed to talk to someone about all this. So, after a few minutes of silent debate, she told her friend everything, even the intimate details.

Niely listened in stunned silence through it all. Her eyes grew wide at the hidden darkness in him, and she didn’t seem happy.

When D’marya was done, she said, “I have feelings for him, but I don’t know what to do. More and more, he reveals things that scare me, but I don’t want to lose him. He can be so good to me, and the sex is always amazing, but there is something there! I don’t know what it is, but he is hiding a part of himself. I see glimpses of it, and it terrifies me. I don’t think he would ever hurt me, but…”

Niely considered all that she had heard quietly, as she got the medbay ready for the imminent patients. “I don’t know what to tell you,” she said, finally, “I don’t know him, and I don’t know how good he is. I think that you have reached a crossroads. He does things for you that you can’t stand to lose, but he also does things that hurt you. You have to decide what you are willing to take. You have to find out what he is willing to do to keep you.”

“I just wish it was easy. I feel like he is trying so hard, but we have been together for such a short time. How long can he keep it up?”

“I don’t know. Just be careful, Dema. It might be easier to get out now. If you get any further, the feelings might overwhelm you. You could become trapped.”

D’marya shuddered. Not because she was afraid of being trapped with him, because part of her didn’t care.

Niely hugged her carefully, so as not to soil her clean gloves. “No matter what you choose, I will be here for you.”

“Thank you, Ni,” D’marya murmured.

\---  
  
The ‘troopers started coming in shortly after. Since her discussion with Commander Ren, the transfer procedures for injured soldiers had become much more efficient. Less ‘troopers came to her on the brink of death from waiting. They were sent up to the _Finalizer_ as soon as possible, the triage teams being quick to stabilize and transport.

And thus, her long days returned. The mission on Takodana was short. A girl was recovered quickly by Commander Ren himself and taken to the Starkiller base. She thought this would be the end of the stream of patients, but it was only a pause.

She got one day off before the Starkiller base was under attack by the rebels. She had hoped Soul would visit her on that day, but her hopes were dashed. The Commander was still on the Starkiller base, and Soul was trapped with him. She spent her free time feeling agitated. Soul wasn’t there to distract her, and she felt a need to do something.

The attack came suddenly, but she knew about it within minutes. A flood of evacuated officers poured in before the rebels had even managed to take down the shields. The workers and ‘troopers were eventually evacuated, but she knew that many died. She mourned them as she watched the base explode from afar.

She had never been that busy in her entire career. It seemed like every person who escaped had been hurt by the rebel attack. She, Niely, and the medical droid had their hands full. She eventually resorted to putting out a huge basket of low-level medpacs, so that people with minor injuries wouldn’t distract her from the major, sometimes fatal, wounds.

She took a selection of stims to help her work, even though she hadn’t been working that long, to try to keep pace with all the people who needed her help. The hardest part was watching officers take precedence over lower level workers, even when their wounds weren’t as bad. She watched ‘troopers and maintenance staff pass away from the corner of her eye. With that happening, she paused to put out some higher level medpacs.

As the base’s explosion lit up the sky, General Hux himself strolled into her medbay, ignoring all those keening, damaged people, to interrupt her as she finally was able to work on non-officers.

“Dr. Ayelwae, you are the best this station has to offer. Commander Ren has spoken highly of you. He has been injured in the fighting, and needs healing,” he said, unwilling to meet her eyes. The General seemed furious to ask her for help. Maybe he hoped The Commander would die?

She saluted him, and replied, “Yes, sir.”

Niely eyed D’marya from where she was working on her current patient. “How hurt is he?”

General Hux’s eyes flashed with rage. He started to berate Niely, but D’marya cut him off with apologies.

“I’m so sorry, General, sir. It’s been a long day. I would, of course, be happy to heal Commander Ren. Bring him in, and I will finish up here.”

General Hux pursed his lips in irritation, but nodded, before spinning on his heel to leave the room.

She worked on the maintenance worker in front of her as fast as possible, hoping to heal one last person before she was distracted by Commander Ren for however long.

General Hux brought him in just as she finished. She smiled gently at the woman, telling her how to take care of the wounds as they healed.

“Oh yes, please,” Hux sneered, “Take as much time as you need.”

“Sorry, General,” she said, head bowed. She didn’t regret it for a moment though.

Commander Ren was a heap of black cloth on a hovering stretcher. She could see several bright, angry gashes. There was one on his leg and one on the shoulder that was closest to her, as well as a blaster wound to the side of his torso.

Her eyes trailed up The Commander’s familiar form until she found a shock of black hair, strands plastered his face.

“No,” she whispered, clenching her fists. She got closer to his unconscious figure, taking hesitant steps. “It can’t be.”

“Is everything alright, doctor?” General Hux asked, though he clearly didn’t care.

“Yes, everything is fine, General. I will take it from here.”

Hux clearly didn’t like being dismissed by an inferior, but he complied. The clacking of his shoes signaled his absence, but she couldn’t move forward any further. She couldn’t confirm her wild theory. It couldn’t be true.

“Dema…? Seriously, what’s up?”

D’marya told several deep breaths. She was a doctor. She could handle anything. She steadied herself and lied. “Nothing, my dear, I’m fine. I’ve just never seen The Commander so vulnerable. It’s unnerving. I’ll take care of him.”

She took that last step forward and looked at Kylo Ren’s face. She first noticed the huge scar across his right cheek, down to his shoulder. She ignored the details of his face for a moment, desperately trying to focus only on his injuries, but the realization leaked through anyway.

Soul was Commander Kylo Ren.


	10. Overwhelming

She felt a scream building in her, trying to tear its way free, but she suppressed it. Doctors often had to face terrible things, so, like most doctors she knew, she had learned to dissociate. With all other thoughts pushed aside, she would be able to focus.

He was pretty badly injured. The lightsaber had left gaping gashes on his body, and they needed to be closed up. Thankfully, lightsabers cauterized the wounds they created, so he probably wouldn’t get an infection.

Working on the wounds made it easy to ignore who she was working on. She thought only in steps. Make sure the wound is clean. Remove any dead skin. Apply suturing tape. Inject a medpac. Examine injuries to verify healing.

Niely was hovering. She was still working on the long line of patients, but D’marya could tell Niely wanted to ask her what was going on. Even when the wounds were grisly, D’marya never became this robotic.

Thankfully, Commander Ren’s wounds weren’t mortal. He was just unconscious from shock. She had heard gossip from the ‘troopers Niely had been working on. He had gotten into a battle with two people, after being shot by a bowcaster. He had probably exhausted himself. He would be fine.

(Why did she care that he would be fine?)

She made sure to check him over thoroughly. One mistake on The Commander could cost D’marya her job, or her life. When she was sure that there was nothing else she could to heal him, she pushed his hovering cot into a corner, left him some water and food, and moved on to the other patients.

There were more patients waiting, and even more coming in. The last shuttle had made it to the ship, though, so it was slowing down.

She went back to healing the others. Never in her life had she been more efficient. She had found that perfect balance of focus and passion, something she needed to ignore him, the man sleeping in her medbay.

After several hours, there was no one left. Everyone who had been aboard the Starkiller Base was either dead or healing. She and Niely took a deep breath and began closing their shift. The ‘bay needed to be cleaned. The medical droid needed maintenance. The long-term patients needed their final checks.

She wouldn’t let Niely check on Ren. What if, from all of her descriptions of her sex partner, Niely recognized him too?

As she ran out of things to do, that creeping feeling of realization and horror seeped back into her mind. She felt herself start to panic, and Niely interrupted at just the right time.

“That was a lot to handle, wasn’t it?” she asked, pointedly, as she washed her hands.

“Oh yeah, definitely. I can’t believe we lost the whole base. All those people.” All that death was affecting her too. She couldn’t feel their lives being snuffed out, but she knew how many people were on that base. A lot of them hadn’t made it out alive.

“You were pretty affected by it,” Niely pushed.

“Today took a lot out of me,” D’marya replied, ignoring the implied question.

Niely let the conversation drop for a moment, drying her hands on a towel by the sink.

In the silence, D’marya felt that clawing panic tear at her again. Commander Ren might kill her for this, but she had to say something. She glanced at his still inert black mass. Now or never.

“Niely, come with me, please.” Desperation streaked her voice.

Niely didn’t argue, or even comment. She just followed D’marya into their storage room.

D’marya closed the door and rested her body against it. She didn’t think for a moment that Ren would be kept out of a room this way, but it made her feel better.

“Seriously, Dema, what the kriff is wrong?!” Niely hissed, “I’ve known you for years, and I’ve  _ never _ seen you this freaked out. Commander Ren was barely injured! We’ve seen wounds that were ten times worse today!”

D’marya took a deep breath, steadying herself against the door. “It wasn’t his wounds, Niely.”

Niely waited for her to explain, and when she didn’t, asked, “So? What was it then? Was he so hot it was panic inducing?! Or was he a monster? He looked human to me. I know none of us have seen him with his mask off, but come on. It can’t be his face.”

“I have seen Commander Ren without his mask on before,” D’marya said. Her body started shaking. She was going to be sick. “Niely… That’s…. He’s Soul. I’ve been fucking Commander Ren!”

Niely’s mouth dropped open, and she couldn’t speak for a long time. She thought about everything that meant (probably more thoroughly than D’marya had at that point), and gasped. “But-”

“I know.”

“You and he-”

“I know.”

“And you  _ told  _ him-”

“I know!” D’marya slid down the door until she was sitting on the cold ground. “I don’t know what to do.”

“You’ve got to get out of here! If he knows that you know…”

“He already knows! Commander Ren can read minds! He can find out whatever he wants about me. Even if I run, he will pull the information from you.” D’marya’s head started reeling. All the thoughts she had in his presence. “Oh, kark… I think I am going to be sick.”

“We have to get out of here. Commander Ren  _ lost _ the battle. That is what all the ‘troopers are saying! Now is not the time to deal with this. Wait until he is less freshly wounded, literally and figuratively.”

“You’re right. Of course, you’re right. The next shift will be here in 15 minutes. Can you cover for me?”

“Well, you said you felt sick. I’m sending you home, Dema. Take care of yourself.”

“Thank you, Ni.” D’marya stood on shaky legs.

Niely wrapped her arms around her friend, holding her close. “We’ll get through this. I told you I would be here, no matter your decision. That’s still true.”

“Thank you,” D’marya whispered. She didn’t know if she was going to cry or scream.

They opened the door slowly, quietly. D’marya was even praying that they didn’t wake Ren, and she only prayed for the dead. They took careful steps, with Niely gently herding D’marya to the door. They were so close.

The black heap groaned and rolled over. He was awake. He could tell she was there. She tried to quiet her mind, to be invisible, but it was too late.

“D’marya…?” It was Soul’s voice, albeit a bit weaker than usual. For a moment, her heart soared at it, so glad he was alright. Then she realized she could hear Commander Ren’s too. The voice modulator worked well, but she could hear it now. She wouldn’t be able to keep them apart in her mind again.

“Yes?” she asked.

“Are you my doctor?” he asked, letting out a pathetic chuckle.

Her personal feelings were overridden by her years of training. “Yes, I am.” She closed the distance between them and reexamined his wounds, so she could give him care instructions.

Niely made a pained noise, but followed her, like she could protect her friend from this powerful man.

“What’s the damage?” he asked, quietly.

Their eyes met, and she tried to focus. “You have three lacerations, on your shoulder, leg, and one down your face to your chest. You have a blaster wound to your torso. I have applied the necessary sutures. You will heal completely, but you will have some scarring, particularly on your face. I couldn’t do anything about that. You will want to return in a week or two, so the medical droid can remove the stitches.”

“Couldn’t you remove them? I would prefer it if you did.” He was so frustratingly sweet. His big brown eyes were pleading with her. What she wouldn’t give to forget all this and go back to the way things were.

Instead, she pressed her lips together in a tight line. He noticed this, and his expression became confused. “If this is about me leaving you in the middle of the night, I am sorry,” he said, “I had to help on Takodana. This is the first I have been back on the  _ Finalizer _ since we last saw each other. I trust you more than I trust the droid. Please?”

“I don’t think that is possible, Commander Ren.” She wished that her voice hadn’t broken as she said that. With the healing speech out of the way, her will was cracking. She had to get out of here.

His eyes widened, but he controlled the rest of his face. “Commander Ren and I wear the same outfits. We are all part of the Knights of Ren. It’s a uniform, just like yours or a stormtroopers.”

“How could you lie to my face?!” she seethed, “The General  _ himself _ dragged you in here, demanding special treatment for the one and only, Kylo Ren. How  _ dare  _ you?”

All confidence was snatched away from his face. “D’marya, please…”

“No. No! I can’t! Niely, I’m sorry. I need to go.” She got right up in his face, and growled, “If you lay a finger on Niely, if you even breathe on her wrong, I will  _ never _ forgive you. I will try to kill you, which will force you to kill me.”

She spun on her heel and strode out of the room, trying to remain calm.

“D’marya, I would never. Wait! D’marya!”

She couldn’t take it. To hell with regulations, she ran. She shot out of that medbay like a blaster bolt, as fast as her legs could carry her. Tears started spilling down her face, and she was helpless to stop them.


	11. Revealing

How could he lie to her? How could he have done all this? How could  _ she  _ have done all this? These thoughts plagued her mind as she escaped into a different part of the base. She couldn’t go to her room, he would find her there, so she went to another section of the ship. Not the one with the cantina, not the officer’s halls. She went to maintenance. 

The walls here were even danker than the ones she was used to. She knew that being head doctor gave her some privileges, but she had seen Niely’s living quarters as well. This was something else.

She stopped her mad dash outside of a refresher out of necessity. She barely made it to the bowl before she vomited all her fears into it. Dry heaves followed, hollowing out her insides with pain.

At least the pain helped her clear her head.

She had been fucking Kylo Ren, the notorious, violent monster who ruled this order with a giant fist. He had the power to do anything to her, from trapping her, to torturing her, to killing her outright.

How could she have been so stupid?

She gripped the sides of the cool metal bowl with pale knuckles. All of those things she had said to him, about Kylo Ren, about the inefficiencies of the base, about the ‘troopers. She had said she wanted to hug The Commander! And he had squeezed her! She confessed her fears! She had been afraid that The Commander would break them up. Maybe that part was true.

Oh, kriff, she had hit him! It was an accident, but she had slapped his chest while he was asleep! She had yelled in his face!

He heard her talking about that amazing night with “Soul” to Niely!

Their entire relationship crashed over her, wave after wave of memories. All of those things she had done to him. What he had done to her. What they had done  _ together _ . The dry heaves returned, gagging and painful. There was nothing left.

She was terrified.

When she was sure that she wasn’t going to retch again, she stood unsteadily and walked to the sink. She washed her hands and her face vigorously.

Soul was Commander Ren.

She braced herself on the sink but didn’t heave. Water was still flowing from the tap, so she dipped her hands in it and drank from cupped palms. After a few rounds of water, she felt like she was going to explode again.

She screamed, a raw, piercing, blood curdling scream. Everything she was feeling, had felt, about Soul and The Commander, tore out of her. She screamed until she couldn’t anymore. No one heard or cared, so no one came.

She curled herself into a ball and hid in the corner, beneath the neat row of sinks, shaking.

That’s where he found her.

\---

She didn’t know if it had been an hour or a week. She hadn’t been able to move, hadn’t even considered it. Her eyes were open, but she wasn’t seeing the clean bathroom or the tiled floor. She was remembering everything, over and over.

How could she have missed it?

It was so obvious to her now. He had almost told her himself early on.

_ “I thought you would have figured out… my name.” _

That was after Commander Ren had come to “inspect” her medbay. They were so similar, of course they were, how could she have been so oblivious to it?

Someone was calling her name. She didn’t care who. She could hear them, easily, and she knew they were looking for her, but it didn’t matter. It would be Commander Ren or one of his men. Niely knew better.

Ren found her anyway. Of course he did. He could locate her mind. He could  _ read _ her mind. All those thoughts she had had in his presence. And how far did it work? How much did he know?

Oh, no. When he touched her face and she thought of things she didn’t mean to. How he always knew when she was lying. He always knew what she wanted to feel or needed to feel. When they had met, with her wanting to fuck someone so desperately, and he had sat down like magic.

It was all a lie.

“D’marya!” His voice echoed off the bathroom walls. “There you are.”

“So, what do I call you now, oh nameless one?” she asked, her voice cold, emotionless, “Soul? Commander Ren? Sir?”

“You could call me Kylo,” he replied, standing over her.

“Oh, good,” she sneered, “How lucky I must be.”

Irritation crossed over his scarred face. “Come on, this is just excessive.”

She shrank away from his intimidating features, further trapping herself in the corner. Panic fluttered through her. How did she get here? What was he doing? She didn’t want to die.

He rolled his eyes. “I’m not going to kill you, D’marya.” A black gloved hand appeared in front of her face. “Please, let me help you up, and we can talk.”

That uneasy sensation returned: How did he know? Then she remembered. “I don’t want to talk to you, Commander Ren.”

“Don’t be a child.”

She slipped out from her hiding place, without his aid, and stood as straight as she could. She was not nearly as tall or strong as him, but her fury pushed her through. “Oh, throw yourself in a sarlacc pit! You could have told me. No, you  _ should  _ have told me. I thought you were a Knight of Ren or a master of espionage or something. We all know Commander Ren can do whatever he wants.”

“That’s not true.”

“Sure it isn’t. Who do you answer too? Snoke? You think he cares about me? You know I would have kept it a secret! I already was!”

“I wanted to tell you that first night,” he said, unable to meet her furious eyes, “but I didn’t think I would see you again. By the second night, I couldn’t stay away. You made your feelings on 'Commander Ren' incredibly clear.”

“I have worked here for years! He- You are ever present in our lives. Everyone is taught to be afraid of you. And I told you I wanted to give him a hug! That he was scary, but I thought he was lonely. Then he- you, killed an  _ entire village _ .”

“I don’t regret that. You know who I am.”

“Soul…” She closed her eyes in exasperation. “Commander… I don’t know who you are. I thought I knew who Soul was. I thought I knew who Kylo Ren was. I don’t. I can’t keep you separate, but I can’t fit you together either.”

A pained expression crossed his face. “I am truly sorry. I didn’t want you find out this way. I-”

She cut him off and hissed, “You didn’t want me to find out at all!”

“No, I didn’t. There is some part of myself, weak though it is, that liked being Soul. I never wanted you to fear me. I never wanted you to  _ hate  _ me. I knew if you found out, something like this would happen. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t.” His tone was a plea, and his eyes begged her.

Her arms wrapped around her torso, holding her together. Why was she so weak to this?

She had to hold her ground. “No, stop. I can’t trust you. Have you been using the Force on me this entire time? Keeping me oblivious for you? Are you using it right now, to manipulate me?!”

“No, I never used the force on you. Well, not like that...”

“Not like that?! How did you use it on me then?!”

He ran his hand over his mouth, dragging his lips to his chin. It hurt to watch. For a moment, she saw him as Soul, in her bedroom. She wanted Soul back so badly…

Finally, he said, “Remember that amazing pleasure that coursed through your entire body?”

“Yes?” she replied. “Wait… Oh. Oh! You  _ schutta _ !” She shoved her way past him. “I can’t do this. Don’t follow me again.”

“D’marya, please, we can work through this.”

She turned to him and glared. “If, and only if,  _ I _ decide to see you again, will you see me. Don’t. Follow. Me.”

“Please, don’t leave me! I need you...” He didn’t make a motion toward her. Was he afraid of what she would do? What could she possibly do to hurt him?

“No, you don’t,” she spat.

With that, she stormed off. He didn’t follow her, which she was glad of (though a small part of her wanted him to). She found her room and slipped inside.

Memories of their time together bombarded her. The room was full of them. It was suffocating. She collapsed on her bed.

What would she do?


	12. Ending 1: She Leaves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey so I wrote three endings because I wanted to. I'm an indecisive bastard. Pick whichever one you like, or read all three! Please tell me what you think of any of them.
> 
> In this ending, she tries to escape from Ren's clutches. (No TLJ spoilers.)
> 
> (Btw, D'marya Ayelwae is Duh-mair-yuh Ah-yel-way and Niely is Nee-yel-ee)

She dropped her face to her hands. All the options she had weren’t good. She could stay and try to avoid him, but that would be impossible. He had complete power over the entire Order. He could make her see him. He could make her do anything.

She could go back to him, talk it out, and move forward. That thought sent her head spinning with anxiety. How could she ever trust him? Not just for lying about who he was, but for his ability to read her mind, to know everything about what she was thinking.

That left her only one other option. She fought with it for a long time, trying to come up with some other way to handle the predicament she had found herself in, but there was nothing.

She had to escape.

By the time the thought had fully formed in her mind, she was packing. She didn’t have many possessions, but she grabbed a couple of uniforms (until she could buy civilian clothes), her toiletries, and her credit chip.

Working on the station paid pretty well, and meals were automatically docked from her pay. She didn’t spend money on anything, really, except for the occasional night at the bar. This meant that, thankfully, she had some savings to draw from.

With her stuff packed, she slung her bag over her shoulder and hastened to Niely’s room. She tried to look casual as she strolled through the halls, but panic was making her edgy. She was worried that at any second, Commander Ren would stop her. She tried to keep her thoughts away from him, as she assumed that thinking his name was like lighting a beacon.

With a desperate prayer, she lightly knocked on Niely’s door. Banging would only draw attention to her fidgetiness and her potential flight.

Niely opened the door within seconds. “Oh Dema! There you are! I was so worried!” Niely hugged D’marya close to her, drawing her into the room. “I was sure that he… That you…”

Sensing Niely’s reluctance to finish the sentence, D’marya interjected, “It’s okay. I’m okay.”

“What are you going to do?” Niely whispered, closing the door behind them.

D’marya’s voice dropped low. “I’m going to escape. I’ve got to get off this station, as far away from Ren and the Order as I can.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Niely asked, looking at her suspiciously.

“Because they will assume I told you, and you can give them all the information that I have given you. I don’t want you to be tortured on my behalf. Give in, completely. Let the Commander look through your mind without resistance. Or…”

“Or?”

“Come with me. This place is dangerous. We lost so many people on the Starkiller Base. And not just soldiers, but staff, people like us. Who knows what’s going to happen next? And with how volatile Ren is… I’m sorry I put you in this situation Niely. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into, and I dragged you into it with me. But I would love to have you with me. Let’s travel the galaxy.”

Niely sat on her bed in shock. “You want to me to run with you?”

“You don’t have to! Turn me down, kick me out, report me! They’ll take you back, and I can still make it out of here. But I can’t abandon you to this mess, and I would love to have you, if you would come.”

“Of course I want to come, Dema! It’s so wonderful for you to think of me.” A grin broke across her face but fell just as quickly. “How do we get off base, though? Commander Ren won’t want you to leave.”

“That’s why we have to go now, before he puts a lock on either of our names.”

Niely shot off the bed and started to pack in a flurry.

“Wait, Ni… Once you follow me off base like this, we can never go back. They will think we joined the rebels.”

“Are we joining the rebels?”

“I hadn’t thought about it,” D’marya said, “I don’t think I can. I may be terrified of Ren, but the resistance wants to ruin our way of life. I guess I just figured I’d travel and help people.” D’marya had spent her whole life raised under the Empire’s, then The First Order’s, propaganda. She couldn’t escape it as easily as the base.

“That sounds like a good plan to me. I’ve got a lot of savings. Probably more than you because I never go to the cantina,” Niely teased.

D’marya rolled her eyes. “Make fun of my life choices later. We have to go. Besides, drinking in that cantina isn’t the worst decision I have ever made, clearly.”

Niely’s eyes dropped to D’marya’s stomach. “You’re not… I mean you guys have been… Do you think that…?”

D’marya burst out laughing. “Oh, Ni, you think I am stupid? I’m a doctor who likes to fuck strangers. I’m on birth control. No babies possible. Besides, can Chiss and humans even reproduce together?”

Niely shrugged and kept packing.

\---

There was no time where everyone on the base slept, but thankfully they were respected staff with clean records. They just said, “planetary leave,” and hopped on the next shuttle to wherever. Contrary to popular belief, working for The First Order voluntarily didn't make either of them prisoners. They were allowed to come and go as they pleased, as long as they were loyal. If the guard was suspicious to their treasonous intentions, he didn't show it.

The next departing shuttle was heading for Korcusby, a nearby and recent addition to The Order. It was a lavish planet and not a good place to hide (new planets were always the most forthcoming with rumors). They didn't have a better option, though, so they slipped inside.

D’marya was wound tight through the whole process. She felt like she might snap. Commander Ren could appear at any moment. Niely tried comforting her, but guaranteeing their safety would have been a lie.

No one stopped them from getting on the shuttle. Their ident cards were still valid. D’marya chose a seat in the back corner, and Niely followed.

“I think we are safe now,” Niely whispered.

“We won't be safe until we are leaving Korcusby.” D’marya replied.

The shuttle trip was short and uneventful. D'marya even started to calm down as they slowly escape from the clutches of Ren. The planet was beautiful, green and lush, that they found themselves enjoying the view as they descended.

As they were gathering their things, they heard an announcement from the cockpit. “We are looking for one Dr. D’marya Ayelwae. One of the nurses covering for her is having an issue with the medical droid.”

D’marya didn’t believe it for a moment. This was _his_ work. She wasn’t even head engineer. With Niely’s hand in hers, she slipped out of the shuttle onto the landing pad. It took all their power not to run. No need to draw attention.

“I usually like what I am, but this would be so much easier if we weren’t two obvious aliens on a human planet,” Niely commented.

“Agreed,” D’marya said, eyeing the loading dock for a good ship to get on.

Someone called out her name, or tried to. “Dr. Ahl-wee? Dee-mar-ee-yah?”

More men started to take up the call. She didn't look, didn't even twitch, at the sound of her name as it echoed behind her. All she could hope for was that they hadn't been given a description of her or her companion.

A shuttle nearby called for final boarding as she walked past. It was going to some planet she has never heard of, Yalnan. She dragged Niely to it.

“Can we buy tickets here?” she gasped, trying to hide her urgency.

The gate guard looked at her suspiciously. The First Order took over all transport bays on a planet once it joined them, and he was the picture of the Order: cropped dark hair, pressed uniform, and a steeled gaze. “In a hurry, are we?” he asked.

“We’ve never been to Yalnan before, and we don’t want to miss our chance. I’ve heard that shuttles there are a rarity.” She hoped that this was true. The planet probably didn’t get much visitors if she had never heard of it, but maybe she just hadn’t been paying attention.

The shuttle guard eyed her for a few moments, and she felt tension building. What would she do if he started asking questions? Finally, he said, “Yes, you can buy tickets here, but they are more expensive at the gate. Next time, plan better, alright?”

“Yes, of course. Thank you.” She gave him her most genuine and thankful smile and handed over her credits chip.

The payments went through with no issue, and they hastened aboard. As they pulled away from the lush planet, she could finally relax. Commander Ren could easily track them using her credits history, but she would have more time to escape from Yalnan, even if he moved the fleet as fast as he could. The fleet took more time than a shuttle that had already departed.

\---

Hours later, a planet slipped into view. It was a giant block of ice suspended in space. Neither she or Niely were prepared for a frozen planet. Maybe that was why the guard was suspicious.

They said nothing as they slid closer and closer to the frozen ball, or as they landed on its icy surface, or even as they heard the crunch of the frost beneath the landing gear. D’marya thought about it and realized she would rather freeze to death than have the vengeful Commander Ren capture her. She had heard the horror stories, and she wouldn’t become one of them.

Their stay on Yalnan was short, partially because of the cold and partially because they were still fleeing. They went to the bank and turned all their savings into credit ingots and wupiupi coins, which couldn’t be tracked like credit chips. Yalnan was the best planet to do this on, since Ren would already know they had been there.

Carrying around so much money in ingots was disconcerting, but they couldn’t think of a better way. They buried the bars and coins in their suitcases and hid small caches on their bodies to hopefully prevent robbery.

Niely thought it would be safe enough to find a place to sleep, but D’marya wanted to jump to one final planet. He wouldn’t be able to track them to another planet without some serious interrogation, and that would give them enough time to rest. Niely didn’t argue (though D’marya knew she wanted to).

The next shuttle took them to Ijanus, a planet with fauna unlike anything D’marya had ever seen. Gigantic plants that looked like ivy in tree form dominated the sky. Their leaves were dark purple, and their flowers were a rich emerald green. The planet seemed mostly isolated, and there was only one dock.

It was the perfect place to hide.

\---

Months passed. Niely got a credit chip under her new name, Chas’ke. She told D’marya about how much she loved this planet, how it felt like home. She met a wonderful Twi’lek male, named Azeg’nal, who worked on the chocknen fields, harvesting food for consumption and sale. She never regretted her decision to leave, and she and D’marya spent the night whispering about her potential marriage.

The people of this planet were in desperate need of medical help, and D’marya gave it to them gladly. They worked together, healing the sick and teaching people how to heal as well. There were a lot more people hidden in the venal trees than they had thought as they had landed. The Order hadn’t done much with the planet, but Niely and D’marya were happy to help. She never gave the people there her real name, so they took to calling her The Guardian Doctor. That became Guardian, then Dian. After a lot of pressure (mostly from Niely), she changed her name to Dian Aura and got a credit chip.

Some nights, she would think of Soul. Her heart would ache for the man she thought she had known. Her bed was cold, and her room was lonely, especially since ~~Niely~~ Chas’ke had started spending the night with Azeg’nal. Sometimes, she would let herself pretend that he wasn’t Commander Ren, that he was just another Knight of Ren away on a mission. It helped her sleep. Sometimes, she would regret running, but she knew she couldn’t go back.

Her heartache healed over time, slowly but steadily. Helping the people on Ijanus was a good focus. It pained her to her core when she had to leave.

The leaders of Ijanus knew she was hiding from Commander Ren. She had told them as soon as she realized she wanted to stay. They told her they didn’t care; they needed her help more than they feared him. They kept an eye on incoming transmissions, and when they saw the news of the incoming Star Destroyer, they warned her right away.

She was packing in minutes, terrified this was Ren after her. Why else would The Order bring people here when they had barely bothered before?

Chas’ke heard the news and ran to her friend’s room. “Are you running again?” she asked, shifting nervously from side to side.

“I have to,” D’marya said without looking up, “I can’t stay here.”

“I understand,” Chas’ke replied.

D’marya paused and turned to look her friend in the eyes. “Chas’ke, you can stay. I want you to. You have made a wonderful life for yourself here, and Azeg’nal loves you. Take care of the people here. Make yourself a place to call home.”

“Won’t they come after me?”

“They might, but you can say I abandoned you. You don’t know where I will go, and you don’t know how to contact me. In fact, I am abandoning you. You can’t come. Be happy here. I don’t want to force you to run every time The Order shows up.”

Chas’ke’s eyes filled with tears, and they spilled down her cheeks. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

“I’m going to miss you too. Please, be careful. I will always care about you. That’s why I am leaving you behind.”

Azeg’nal appeared behind them. “What is going on?”

“Dian has to leave us. They will find her.”

D’marya looked at him solemnly. “Take care of her for me, please.”

Azeg’nal nodded, filled with purpose. “That was never a question.” He turned to Chas’ke, with a gentle expression. “We have to go now, so they don’t see us with her.”

Chas’ke looked hurt, but relented “Goodbye, Dema.”

“Goodbye, Ni.”

\---

After that, running became common. D’marya, aka Dian, on her own, ran through the galaxy. She didn’t know whether it was coincidence or purpose that led The Order’s fleet to planets she was on, but she didn’t want to stay and find out.

The Guardian Doctor became well known, especially on the Outer Rim. Sometimes, people would greet her as she exited her shuttle, having heard about her travel plans from the people at her previous refuge. She sometimes ran out of credits and/or wupiupi, but the people never let her starve. There would always be food for her and a place for her to sleep, and because of that, she worked twice as hard. The people would even scrape together enough for shuttle fare when she had to run again.

Soon, medical knowledge was commonplace. Everyone had already known how to heal with kolto and medpacs, but she passed new knowledge from planet to planet, with information about more accessible plants for various wounds, binding techniques, and anatomy of alien species. She even taught more technology rich planets how to build medical droids from scrap, and how to get medical droids to the planets that couldn’t build them.

After many years, she went back to Ijanus, desperate to see her friend. Chas’ke was thrilled to see her, and told her that Ren was looking for her, or he had been then, but he left everyone be. D’marya could only assume that he left them alive, so she would fear him less. Even if she had never come back, she would have heard about a massacre.

After that, she managed to visit Ijanus every couple of cycles. The people there were always happy to see her, especially Chas’ke and her husband (and, as time passed, their kids). She became the eccentric Aunt, who would be gone for cycles and return with stories, new clothes, and strange treasures from far away.

Sometimes, she would gain a follower or two. Some wanted to go to a different planet, some wanted to train under her longer than the Order’s incoming fleet would allow, and some just enjoyed her company. She had a few sexual partners, men and women, but nothing concrete or serious. They never followed her off world.

All in all, it was a good life. She saw more of the galaxy than most other people, and everyone welcomed her with open arms. She revisited planets whenever she could, hoping to keep the knowledge flowing. She was free and healthy.

She never saw Commander Ren again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to get this out! I wanted to post all the endings at once, and I was really busy this week.


	13. Ending 2: Happily Ever After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey so I wrote three endings because I wanted to. I'm an indecisive bastard. Pick whichever one you like, or read all three! Please tell me what you think of any of them.
> 
> The title is pretty self-explanatory. Just to warn you, this isn't really in character for anyone. Also, it can be seen as encouraging/romanticizing abusive relationships and perpetuating the idea that (character/man/person/etc.) can be changed. This ending ignores TLJ cannon as well, so NO spoilers.

As she sat on her bed, she tried to hate him. Commander Ren was not a good man, she knew that, but… The harder she thought about it, the more difficult it became to care. There was something so tantalizing about being wanted by a man who hated everything and everyone else.

She fought against this thought process for a long time. She was better than that. She was better than staying with a man like Kylo Ren, right? Right?

She didn’t think so. She knew she was worthy of love, but maybe he could give it to her. Maybe he could be worthy of her attentions.

The next step was hard though. She couldn’t swallow her pride and go back to him, not after all this. She decided she would wait, see what he did.

\---

The next day, at work, Niely was in a panic. “Are you okay, Dema? I was so worried that he…”

“No, no, I’m fine. He didn’t come after me. Well, he did, but I told him to leave me alone, and he has.”

Niely let out a sigh of relief. “What are you going to do?”

“Honestly, Ni, I don’t know. There is this huge part of me that wants him. He was mean and unhelpful, but I know he can be better. I guess I will just live my life normally, and see where that takes me.”

“You would take him back?” Niely looked at her incredulously.

“If he apologized, I think so…”

“He was mean to you. You can do better.”

“I don’t think he has ever been questioned before. I don’t think he knows how to handle it. Let me see how he does.”

“Well, I will stand by you either way… Please, just be careful, Dema. He is a powerful, scary man.”

“I know,” D’marya murmured, “So why can’t I let him go?”

“Because he was your powerful, scary man?”

D’marya laughed hollowly. “Yeah, maybe.”

\---

A week passed, and she heard nothing from him. Rumors circulated the base, and she heard them from her patients. He had been cowed by the Supreme Leader for his failure. He went to a different medbay to get the stitches removed. He was more quiet than usual, more pensive, more sad.

She went to the cantina, the one where they had met. She found herself dressing to the nines, looking her best, with her hair done. She wasn’t trying to impress anyone, though. Of course not.

Kylo wasn’t there that night, so she nursed her drinks alone. Several men, and a beautiful woman, asked to join her, but she just wasn’t feeling it. She wanted him to walk through those doors, filled to the brim with apologies. No one else could compare now.

She ended up going home early, alone.

That became a weekly ritual for her. Every week, on the night they had met, she would sit in the cantina, turning down eligible people in favor of the ghost of a man. Why had she told him to stay away? Why was he listening?

Finally, after two lonely months, she spotted a familiar shock of black hair at the bar. Kylo Ren was here. Her heart sped up, and she didn’t know what to do. Should she call out to him? It was what she had been waiting for, but everything had changed.

He saw her, and his eyes widened. The wound to his face had healed into a scar that cut across his features. Surprisingly, it suited him, and she found herself blushing.

He started to leave, slipping away from the bar towards the door.

_ Kylo, wait, please. Don’t go. _ She thought it as loud as she could, hoping he would hear.

He paused. She was so afraid he was going to leave anyway, ignoring her hopes, but he turned and walked to her, slowly, like she would run.

“I thought you didn’t want to see me anymore,” he said, carefully.

“I didn’t, but… I… Will you sit?”

He hesitated for a moment, but he sat, dropping into the chair across from her.

It was so different from the first time they had met. His scars were visible, and she knew who he was. It was nerve-wracking, but better. There were no more secrets.

“I… I wanted to apologize, for the way I reacted. I know it must have been… difficult. I was not in a good place, but that is no excuse,” he said.

“Why didn’t you tell me before now?”

“I… You told me not to follow you again. I didn’t think that it would help if I chased you down and made you listen. But you seem eager to see me now… Why didn’t you come to me?”

She sighed. “I didn’t know how to. I could have probably found you on the base, but how do I approach Kylo Ren?”

His gaze became intense. “I would have stopped everything to talk to you, at any time, if I knew you would talk to me again.” He took a swig of his drink. “I didn’t want it to be like this.”

“Neither did I.”

They said nothing for a long time, and the silence stretched out between them.

“I can’t stop thinking about you, D’marya,” Kylo finally confessed, “I will be working or training, and then suddenly my focus is on you instead. I would do anything to prove to you that I am worth your time. I don’t want it to end like this. Please, please, let me try again. You know all my secrets now.”

“I can’t stop thinking about you either,” she replied, “I honestly thought you would have heard me by now.”

“I, uh, I have been trying to avoid your thoughts, to give you some privacy. If I had known you were thinking of me, I might have ruined everything.”

“Can we start over?” she asked.

He smiled. She had missed that smile of his. It was different now, with the changes to his face, but it was better. It was real. “Yes, we can.”

“Hello, my name is D’marya,” she said, holding out her hand, “Nice to meet you.”

He looked like he was trying to hold back a laugh, but he took her hand and shook it. “Hello, D’marya, my name is Kylo Ren.”

\---

They went slowly this time. That first night, they talked, openly and honestly, until the cantina closed. She invited him back to her place, but he politely declined.

“I want to do this right,” he said, “I want to make this a real relationship.”

He kissed her cheek as a goodbye, and they parted ways.

After that, they saw each other whenever they could. They would go on dates around the base, and sometimes on local planets. Their “first” kiss was on date three. Their “first” time having sex was on date six.

The sex became as sensual as the last time she had slept with Soul. Sometimes, they would have hardcore, intense sessions of fucking, but it was always on her terms. Everything was on her terms. With her permission, he started to use the Force occasionally, always in controlled amounts.

She often found herself kissing his scars, sealing them with love, because those marks were how they had really met. They were the seams from the fusion of Soul and Kylo. Kylo started to hate them less as she did this. In his mind, they became that fusion too, instead of his failure to capture the girl.

After being in a relationship for six months, she moved into his quarters. His set of rooms were huge and empty. They started decorating them together, and for the first time in a long time, she had a home.

Niely was wary at first, but as D’marya told her stories of their time together, Niely had to admit he was doing well. When their medbay got a huge burst of funding and supplies, Niely acknowledged that D’marya dating Commander Ren had its perks. By the time D’marya moved in with Kylo, Niely was on board one hundred percent.

Being the Commander’s girlfriend was interesting. Everyone on base knew who she was, especially when she started living with him. People were wary at first, but her ‘trooper friends spread the word that she was a good person, not to be feared. (There was even a rumor floating around that she had tempered the Commander, but that wasn’t something you said in front of him.)

General Hux begrudgingly accepted her as part of life. She wasn’t allowed in any meetings, of course, but she was often around. She and Kylo were rarely apart. His mission came first, but she was a close second.

Out of the blue, a year and a half into their relationship, she was ordered to meet Supreme Leader Snoke. The Supreme Leader didn’t say much, just rummaged around in her mind for a while before excusing her.

Kylo proposed that night.

Being married to Kylo Ren wasn’t easy. He had an entire Order to maintain (with help), and he was busy. Sometimes his old anger would return, but he never took it out on her. Those were the nights he would come home late, drained and in need of love. She was more than happy to give it.

It wasn’t easy, but she wouldn’t trade it for anything. She was in love, she became the Medical Director of the entire Order, and she was happy.

And every night, when she wrapped her arms around her Commander, she would tell him that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to get this out! I wanted to post all the endings at once, and I was really busy this week.


	14. Ending 3: Kylo's Revenge (READ TW LIST)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is NOT a happy ending. This is a Dead Dove: Do Not Eat ending. Please read the tags below! It is a fucked up ending! (No TLJ spoilers).
> 
> Tw: Rape, Non-con, Mind Control, Force Mind Control, Mind Trick, Force Choking, Abuse, Sensory Deprivation, Near-death Experience, Forced Orgasms (with the Force and by force). Basically just the worst shit. I'm sorry.

His face circled her thoughts, and she couldn’t contend with it. Part of her wanted to run and never see him again, but part of her desperately wanted to find him. She could make him apologize and they could talk it out. Maybe they could fall in love…

No. She realized that wasn’t true. She had to stay away from him, get transferred to another base in another part of the galaxy. She had to leave him behind, even if she didn’t want to.

She had just started packing when her door slid open. Commander Ren stood in the frame, silhouetted in the bright lights of the hall. “What do you think you are doing?” he asked. His voice was calm, but she could taste the anger as it poured into her room.

“None of your business,” she said, “I told you not to follow me.”

“You cannot command me.” He stepped into her room and the door closed behind him. As her eyes adjusted to her dimly lit room, she could see that he was seething. He couldn’t keep it from his face. “You’re trying to leave.”

“I can’t do this, Commander.”

“You can’t leave.”

She dropped a uniform into the bag. “Oh, I can’t? I am a respected doctor in the Order. I have never asked for any favors, and the stormtroopers love me. I can request a transfer to any quadrant, and they’ll move me.”

“Not if I stop the transfer.”

“Now who’s being childish,” she muttered, resuming her packing.

Something gripped her neck, tightening like a vice. She couldn’t breathe. She floated away and away from her bed, dangling a foot off the ground as she was pulled towards him. She clawed at her neck, desperate to get some air, but there was nothing there. She turned to face him, and his hand was like a claw. He was choking her.

“Ky… lo… Please…” she gasped, writhing in the air.

He tightened his grip, a vicious grin splitting his face. “I have all the power here. You can’t stop me.”

She was going to die. She was going to _die._ Panic shot through her, and her body fought desperately. _No, no, no, no. Please. No. I’m not ready! I didn’t know!_ She started to lose consciousness, her brain streaming curse words and pleas. Finally, she managed to whisper an airless, “Soul…”

She dropped to the ground, her body a jumble of mismatched parts. A halting breath passed through her, then a huge gasp. She curled in a ball, panting, desperate to fill her empty lungs.

She was more scared than she had ever been in her life.

Her body was a bit sore from the fall, and her throat ached with a phantom weight. She kept expecting it to start up again, and her body was twitching with her jangling nerves.

After several fear-filled moments, she peered at from beneath her curtain of hair. He was looking on her with shock and horror.

“Why…?” she asked, voice hoarse.

He then pulled away from her, and paced at the foot of her bed. “I don’t know. I just- I can’t lose this, whatever it is.”

She didn’t know how to reply. She didn’t know what to do. She was so scared, so deathly afraid of the man in front of her. How had it come to this?

He stopped to look at her for a moment, before driving his fist into the wall. She heard the crunch of his bones from her heap on the floor. “I could have killed you!” he growled, “What was I thinking!” He tossed his arm back, and punched again. “Why can’t I control myself? I don’t want to kill you.”

She was stunned. It came out of her suddenly. “Wait! Stop!” She reached for him, weakly. “Don’t hurt yourself!”

He paused, prepared to punch again, and eyed her curiously.

“So- Kylo, stop!” She reached for him again.

“I just choked you!”

“I know! You have got to stop hurting people! Including yourself…”

He dropped to the floor in front of the wall. “What is wrong with me…?”

She didn’t have an answer for that. Instead of replying, she got up on shaky legs and found her one of medkits (for minor injuries). “Give me your hand,” she demanded.

“What?”

“I’m a kriffing doctor, Kylo! Let me see your hand!”

“Fine.” He held out his arm for her.

His hand was a mess. Bones were sticking out at every angle. She groaned. This was going to suck.

She guided him to the bed. “Sit.”

He seemed surprised that she was giving him orders after all this, but dropped to the bed. She sat next to him, on his right side, and examined his hand more closely.

“Now, before I can give you a medpac, I have to set the bones properly. It will hurt.”

“Why are you doing this?” he murmured, “I just...”

She glared at him. “It’s my job. It’s what I do. I take care of people. I heal people. Now let me heal your stupid injury.”

“Stupid?”

“You punched a wall! On purpose!” she growled.

She grabbed his hand, ignoring his hiss of pain, and started setting the bones. Her medkit had a full selection of supplies, ready for any minor emergency. She had a large selection of splints to choose from.

His fingers were all broken. He wouldn’t go to a medbay, she knew, so she set them by hand, with little regard to how it would feel. She could feel herself getting angrier as she worked in silence.

When all his fingers were in splints, including his thumb, she picked a medpac from the bag She stabbed it into his hand mercilessly, and he groaned. The effect was amazing to watch; his fingers straightened more and his whole body relaxed.

“There,” she said, turning away from him to clean up. She put it all away, next to her row of medkits (people sometimes came to her door looking for healing).

“Never piss off your doctor before they heal you,” he commented.

“You choked me, laserbrain!” He flinched. “Of course I’m pissed!”

“You didn’t have to heal my hand.”

“Of course I did. It’s what I do! And you wouldn’t have gone to a medbay, because you are an idiot _child_. Now get out of my room. If you don’t want me to die, it would be best if you weren’t here, clearly.”

He grabbed her shoulder. “Take it back.”

“What are you talking about? Let go of me!” she demanded, trying not to meet his gaze.

“Take. It. Back.” He waved his hand.

There was power in those words, she felt it wash over her. She tried to resist, but she had no defenses against it. Her eyes met his. “I… I take it back.”

A smile floated through her vision, but she couldn’t focus. The world was swirling around her. Only his eyes remained steady, and she couldn’t look away.

“Good girl. Now, apologize for trying to run away.”

His voice floated through her consciousness, and the power stamped it on her brain. “I apologize for trying to run away.”

“Good. Thank you. I forgive you. Now, tell me, why did you leave instead of working through this problem with me?”

The voice was monotonous, and not her own. It felt like something was plucking the words from her brain and moving her mouth for her. “I don’t know you very well. I worried that all we had was good sex, no emotion, no commitment, no love. I am more scared of Kylo than I like Soul.”

“I can be better than that fake person ever was. Let me show you.” He kissed her with an intense force.

The fog started to clear, and she tried to stop him. “No, wait, Kylo…”

“Let. Me. Show. You,” he commanded, “Enjoy yourself.”

Fear was an undercurrent of her emotions, coursing through her, but desire won. The fight seeped out of her as power washed over her.

She wanted this. She had missed him. She hadn’t had sex with anyone, including herself, in a long time. She needed to get fucked. Her arms wrapped around him automatically, drawing him in.

Her clothes suddenly flew off, as did his. She was too distracted to think about how it happened, instead investing her time and energy in returning Kylo’s bruising kiss.

He kissed lower, nipping at her skin. The nips became nibbles and the nibbles became bites. Her torso was soon covered in beacons of tenderness.

Her brain sang with satisfaction and confusion. Why did she like this? Why did she want him to bite her? Why did- Her thoughts were interrupted with a mind-numbing blow of that familiar, amazing sensation. He was causing it without touching her between her legs.

He flipped her over and dropped her on the bed. She barely caught herself, aggressive and overwhelming pleasure tearing across her body. She couldn't make a sound, and she writhed, unable to stop her limbs.

His face pressed into her from behind, powerful licks adding to the intensity. It built to a breaking point and exploded. She screamed into the pillow. That didn't stop him, only encouraged his efforts. She was already wet, but his attentions made her dripping, soaked. He slid his fingers in, testing her, before he replaced them with his cock.

Her mind produced a stream of swear words that faded into nonsense then nothing. She was gone, pitched into an incognizant place. The only thing she had was blind perception. She was just a body, floating in a null space. She could feel his fervent grip on her hips, his cock thrusting in and out of her, the pillow she had buried her face into. She couldn’t support herself on her own arms anymore, and one of his arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her up so she could breathe.

This was all so familiar. She felt like she had been in this position before. The thought slipped away from her as her mind spun out. She couldn’t focus on anything anymore.

Each thrust brought more sensation, such intense bliss that it bordered on agony. Someone one was keening, desperate cries that filled her abstracted ears. It was probably her, but her mouth was too far away to tell.

She bucked against something, but she was being held down, invisible chains gripping her wrists and ankles. She couldn’t find enough limbs to fight against them, so her movements remained limited.

Finally, the singularity. She reached a fever pitch and felt him spill himself inside her. The sensation became too much. She was having every orgasm she had ever had at once. It felt amazing. It was too amazing. Her brain couldn’t hold it all, and it short circuited. She lost consciousness and collapsed onto the bed, body shaking.

\---

“D’marya. D’marya!” a voice floated into her mind from somewhere far away. Something told her she should go to it. A command clung to that thought, turning into a desperate, all-consuming need. She _had_ to find the voice.

She groped through the darkness blindly, until she could feel her body again. A thread tied around her, and pulled her toward her physical form, dragging the two parts together. She found everything and started to slip herself into the appropriate places.

She was on her side, curled around herself. Her hands were tangled deep in the sheets, immobile and cold. Something was wrong.

 _Breathe._ A voice reminded her.

That thought anchored her to herself, and she gasped in a huge gulp of air. It felt like she was a computer rebooting, with all systems coming back online. She awkwardly maneuvered her limbs, testing them. Chunks of her came back to her conscious. She rolled onto her back and opened her eyes.

With her eyes open, the world fell back into place.  D’marya was her name. She looked around and met Soul’s eyes. His face was etched with panic.

“Hey there,” she whispered, voice hoarse.

He handed her a glass of water, body stiff. She reached for it with a heavy arm and tried to rise. Her whole body was leadened. Concern flashed across his face, and he helped her sit up, pressing the glass to her lips.

The water was heavenly, and she gulped it down. As the adrenaline that had been coursing through her faded, she felt the soreness. Her throat hurt, and there were aches painted across her body.

Soul still hadn’t said a word.

“What happened?” she asked, voice stronger.

“I… I don’t know,” he said. He couldn’t meet her eyes.

“It feels like I got hit by a truck,” she joked.

His face tightened, and she felt his fist clench at her back. He propped her up with pillows, until she could support herself.

“What’s wrong, Soul?” she asked, oblivious, “I’m alright now, I think.”

“I could leave you like this,” he whispered to himself, “I could never let you remember.”

“Remember what?” she asked. This conversation had taken a weird turn. What had happened anyway? What had they been doing before-?

The final pieces of her brain reconnected, and it all came surging back. The full force of her memory slammed into her, a constant stream of disgusting information. As it passed through her, the pain in her body became worse, as if she couldn’t stand that Kylo Ren had caused it.

“What the hell did you do to me, you monster?!” she cried out, trying desperately to move.

“You enjoyed it. You want to be with me.”

“No! I don’t! Just kill me, Kylo! I can’t do this! I can’t live in fear of you!”

“That’s ENOUGH!”

A great weight pressed on her body, holding her completely still. Her limbs were too weak to lift themselves, let alone lift against his power. “Please…”

A great push of power hit her. “You _want_ to be with me. You don’t care that I am Kylo Ren.”

She fought against it, desperately. “No. No!”

Another push, stronger and bigger. For a moment, she couldn’t sense anything; it was too much.

“You want to be with me. You don’t care that I am Kylo Ren.”

“I… I want to be with you. I don’t care that you are Kylo Ren,” she droned, catatonic.

“Good. Now, how do we get your body working again?”

She shook her head, trying to let these new thoughts fall into place. There was one final moment of panic, then... _pop_.

Kylo Ren was _hers_. She was the luckiest woman on the base. “Man, that was the most intense orgasm I’ve ever had, my dear. We have got to be more careful.” She grinned at him. “Luckily for you, I am insatiable.”

Kylo smiled back, uneasily at first, but then strong, like he had succeed in something. “Focus, D’marya. We’ve got to heal you.”

“Right, sorry,” she giggled, “Okay, focus. Bring me the bag on the shelf over there. The blue one?”

“Yes, of course.” He strode across the room, still naked, and brought it to her, unzipped.

“Thank you, Ky.” Her hands were clumsy, so she didn’t bother to rummage through it with graceless fingers, instead choosing to dump the bag on her lap. Brushing aside the less powerful medpacs, she found the Life Support Pac. It was an intense stim, meant for those who were close to death. She felt no qualms about using it on herself.

The needle pierced her skin, and kolto rushed through her bloodstream. The relief was instant. She could see bruises fading and feel her limbs become lighter. She tested her body, and found that she was mostly healed. Her torso was still littered with the green of old bruises and her limbs were less dexterous than she would like, but it was good enough for now.

She tossed her legs over the side of the bed and stood, brushing the medical supplies onto the sheets. Her legs were shaky, but they could hold her. Only then did she notice the wetness. There was a huge wet spot on the sheet, and her legs, now exposed the air, were coated with now drying cum.

“You squirted a few times,” he murmured, answering the question she hadn’t asked. He looked a little bit ashamed of himself, but she couldn’t imagine why.

“Incredible! I have never squirted before!” She laughed.

Kylo looked at her strangely.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just… I can’t believe that worked...”

“What worked?”

He stood, blinking and unable to answer for a moment. Finally, he said, “The new Force pleasure thing I told you about. Effective, right?”

“Oh yeah! But maybe a little more gentle next time?”

“Of course. Sorry about that,” he said, sheepishly.

“Now, I need wash up, change my sheets, and go to bed. Can you help with that?” she asked.

“I’d love to.”

\---

Dr. D’marya Ayelwae was never quite the same after she died. She had come back to life only a moment later, but that moment changed everything. She became Kylo’s girl, through and through.

Niely thought it was weird, but she had promised to help D’marya, no matter what she chose. So she did. Even as D’marya started calling in sick more and more. Even as she started getting hurt more often. Whenever Niely would try and talk about it, D’marya would get fuzzy and irritated, like some part of her was lost. After a while, Niely stopped trying to save her. D’marya was different, maybe even gone. All Niely could do was help her. With power like The Force at work, sometimes there was nothing else to do.

Kylo visited her all the time. They were rarely apart, actually. The entire base knew she was his, and everyone avoided her (except Niely). They let her do her job, healing them, but the small talk was gone. She ate with Niely, Kylo, or alone. She didn’t learn anything about the new stormtroopers before they died. She became jaded and isolated. Her entire world was Kylo Ren, and she soon loved him.

Kylo was usually good to her. They would fuck for hours, and then he would hold her while she slept. She moved into his apartments shortly after the change, and so they were apart much less. Her life became a blur of patients and Kylo.

Sometimes, he would have a bad day. He would fuck her into oblivion and make her scream. Most of the time, it was from orgasms. Other times, it was not. He would scream in her face (“Why couldn’t you just love me?! I want you to be real!”), choke her, throw her across the room, or try some new power on her body. He might try a combination of things, to see if that made him feel better. She was always terrified by the powers that he used against her, but in the end, she found herself to be fine with it, as if by magic. These things happen, and it was good Kylo did it to her, otherwise he might make a huge mistake on the galactic stage (again).

Those weren’t the worst days though. The worst days were when she came back. There were times when the Force suggestions would fade or crack. She would feel herself clawing from some hole in her mind, dragging her real thoughts from where they had been shoved. Her mind would fill with panic and dread. Memories of what had happened while she was under would rip at her, causing her so much pain.

 _Why, Kylo, why? I didn’t want this! Why didn’t you let me die!_ Her mind would spiral, causing her to want to scream. She was in some kind of hell. She had never believed in it before now. The resurfacing happened less and less as time went on, making it all the more horrifying. She lost huge chunks of time, and it was only getting worse.

Luckily, Kylo always with her. Whenever he sensed these terrible, scary thoughts, he would dispel them for her, so she didn’t have to feel them. He told her that one day, when he was strong enough, she would never feel them ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to get this out! I wanted to post all the endings at once, and I was really busy this week.


End file.
